For A Second, It Felt Like Yesterday.

Sometimes it's easy to get lost in the daily movements of our lives. To wake up, get ready for work and to then begin our day as every other day. We slowly go through the movements, always heading towards another place, another appointment, or maybe even another conclusion to out steppingstones in our lives in order to begin another section of our lives. If you're lucky, you might cross the path of an old memory along the way. One that emotionally grabs hold of you and slams your heart up against a wall just long enough to remind you how fortunate you have been to share your life with someone else. A memory that stuns you and then brings you to tears because you feel the love and then the hurt all within seconds of each other.

I remember a time when I was driving and I approached a four way stop in a daze. I was just going through the motions heading out to start my day. My heart began to ache, right after my body tingled and I felt so warm all over with this crazy smile hanging on my face. Tears came and flowed with ease down my face. All in a matter of seconds. I wasn't doing anything but driving towards starting my day. The truth is, sometimes that's when we need the reminders to spark our lives and to set us free from the occasional pain that can stall us in life. 

I was not paying attention to the world around me, but sometimes our hearts find a way to hang on to the beautiful moments that help us to stay whole. The times that you feel so loved and worthy to be loved. My heart and my mind had heard a song on the radio that sparked the smile. The smile sparked a warm memory and the love for my mom took over without a thought. For a second it felt like she was in the car with me, talking to me, supporting me like she had done since I was so little. 

I had heard that song multiple times, but it had never affected me the same way that it did on that morning. The words had not changed, and the meanings of the lyrics were all the same that they had always been. So why? Why did God choose that moment on that particular day to give me both love and pain. I choose to believe that I needed to remember her and how it felt to be loved in the way that she had always loved me. I needed her strength, her examples, her guidance and perhaps to remember that I am never alone. She has not left me she has only went before me and I will see her again. 

Although I don't understand why God does the things that he sometimes does, I do know that it's his plan and I do not have to make sense of it. He will give me what I need when I least deserve it and when I am in full bloom as well. It will be 37 years, on 3/20/26 since I lost my mom and, in an instant, the love and the pain are making it feel like she just left me. I often tell people to celebrate their loved ones who have passed on and remember them in a positive way when you're hurting. I still believe these words, but I also believe that you have to shed a few tears as well. Remember to be thankful as well for all the blessings that you received from having them in your life.

I am sending out some love for mom on this anniversary of her being in heaven. I am still thankful that God gave her to me as a teacher, a protector, a friend, an encourager and most of all, as a mother. 

Carolyn Sue Owens Barbee Fisher Hoffman 1947-1989 

Always will be, "The Wind Beneath My Wings"

More Than What We Can See

 As we talked, I felt the warmth of a person with such a good heart. They had been beat up so much emotionally that they doubted who they were. They doubted their self-worth. Their life had been hard since their first breath. Yet, they continued to move forward step by step, day by day and finally, year by year until they were able to escape their own prisons of pain. Meeting them, holding a conversation, you would never guess how deep their pain and sorrow was. As the tears flowed and I heard the details of their life and how a fight happened daily inside of them just to survive, I began realizing how easy it could be for someone to hide inside themselves and not let anyone in. How struggling to stay safe can sometimes mean making yourself small enough that you can hide in the shadows in order to not bring any attention to yourself. On occasion, it's the person that's the loudest and who seems to be the most dangerous that is scared the most. They are the ones who portray to be the toughest and the craziest in order to keep danger and possible permanent injuries away from themselves. If they don't talk to others or even make a doubt appear that they could have, then the chances of being blamed for telling all the secrets becomes less and their safety blanket is made. 

We all are different and are made as individuals for many reasons. Some of us can get lost and start to become judgy or critical of others when we don't even start to know how their mornings begin. We don't know how lunch is served or if it is served. When it's time to sleep, are they able to, or are they afraid to close their eyes because maybe, their monsters are real.  We all have layers of our thoughts and emotions, with living and breathing negative and positive examples of how we are to conduct our daily lives. Some of us are blessed and learn a positive, nurturing side of life that helps us to grow and makes our life fuller and better. Others of us have to fight daily in order to maintain who we want to be, who we feel we are. Many of us forget that struggles, pain and even survival does not make us less of a person. People hurt and then they hurt each other. We all have layer upon layers of experiences that either tear us down and make us feel helpless or we can use them to remember that we are all important, no one any less or any more than another. Everyone struggles in life. Respect that everyone's limits are different as to what they can handle. Think before you speak and don't take it personal if someone is not your friend or not trusting when maybe all your trying to do is help them to be strong. Some have had a lifetime of protecting themselves and not knowing what trust or even hope means. The next time you see someone acting not exactly the way you think they should be, ask yourself why. Don't be the person who forgets that there is always, "MORE THAN WHAT WE CAN SEE."

Mistakes and Faith Of a Mustard Seed

 

I was never created to be perfect. How boring that would be. So many different sides of me. So much life going so many different ways through the years. 

When I was young, I saw firsthand what it was like to help others. My parents might not always have had what they wanted, but we always had what we needed and then some to share when others were without. My dad ran his own mechanic shop and my mom, well, let's just say that many thought she was a born Social Worker. She never had a degree, but she knew what people needed and had a way of making sure that they were taken care of. My dad was made from the same cloth. He was tough but his heart was always looking out for someone. He was always active and in the middle of helping whoever needed him at the time. I quickly grew to have a respect for my parents as caregivers. I once met a family who had been traveling and they had car trouble along the way. I can remember how attentive my family was to their needs. They may have entered our home as strangers, but they left as friends. 

As I grew older, I saw many family members and friends move in and out of our lives. Some lived with us, some visited while others were our neighbors. We all had a common bond and we all stayed close to each other, especially when times were hard. Our family was definitely defined by more than just blood. My mom was one of eight brother and sisters. My dad was one of six. They both had lived a hard life, but they knew what love was and what sacrifice meant.  

Next door to us was the man that my dad looked up to and completely respected. He was my great grandpa and in his earlier years my dad had lived with him and my great grandma. They both showed him about how to do Gods biding. I have never heard my dad define it that way but with all the lives that dad touched and changed, it was Gods biding. Dad would just say that you should always help your neighbor. Now don't get me wrong. From what I understand my dad challenged my Grandpa Burkett, but dad's mom was ornery, so I believe that he was prepared for dad. I think he probably even looked forward to my dad's orneriness.  I would sometimes stay with Grandpa Burkett, and he would feed me ritz crackers and tell me about God and actually show me the pictures in the bible.  So, I guess I started learning early about giving to others. Now that I think about it, I had some pretty good teachers. Thankfully, they thought it was important for me to learn about God and about how his strength and grace gave so many the faith and hope they needed to see them through whatever hard times came their way. 

As I got older, I discovered a lot of things about people. Sometimes my lessons were good and heartwarming. On other occasions my heart or another's, would be saddened and feel like it had been stomped on repeatedly. I was fortunate because I had someone to turn too in order to jump start me again. God became my stabilizer and with the faith and hope that he supplied to me, I had learned to depend on God's grace. I eventually became that Social Worker that my mom portrayed, but I found myself always wanting to give more and more. 

In my own challenges and in those of others, I found that when you live life to the fullest you sometimes can find yourself being knocked down again and again. People are the most loving creatures, but they also can be the most critical. All people, no matter who we are, need love and understanding or it creates a hole of emptiness. There are not easy answers when dealing with pain whether it's our own or another's. This is why there are so many reasons as to why God has given all of us free will. We may not understand why some of us have more trouble than others in our lives, but you need to respect them as you want them to respect you. We need to realize that we are not walking in their shoes, so we do not know the power of what has happened to them or they to us.  

Learning to fall is how we learn to forgive. How can you learn humility and how to be humble without seeing or feeling it for yourself? How can you learn to appreciate what is God given every day if you do not take the time to look? Our challenges and our growths go together. No one is perfect and all of us are born to fall, to learn and to grow over and over. We are not the ones who are allowed to judge. No matter the crime, the event or the loss of others, we are not to judge. We are no better than the next. 

Sometimes it's a hard lesson but eventually we get it. We learn that our lives are already set in motion and everything, every person or event molds and makes changes in multiple people's lives. It's not always about us as an individual or what we believe is right or wrong. Recovering from our mistakes takes time and is part of life. When u believe in God and you practice having the faith of a mustard seed, the littlest of all seeds, you can hope again and believe that he will bring you through your roughest times. When you believe that God already knows every one of your deepest darkest secrets and yet he still wants to be in your life, beside you day in and day out! Then you can raise your head and begin to heal like you are supposed to. Let him carry you to where you need to be.  Change, Growth, and Development, anything and everything is possible with God. Just believe and let him do the rest. 

Every Day, in Every Way

 

Time is suppose to be a Healer. A pain Reducer! A development in your life that over several repeating days into years, quiets our heartbeats. It is created to allow us growth in order to teach us not to hold such a pounding, body shaking, tears streaming effect on our very existence. Thirty-three years later and I can still cry a river on how much "I" miss my loved ones, especially my mom. If you are close to someone we learn that it is normal to always cry for what is absent in our lives. The making of new memories and the old memories clash. Why cant I have new ones, yet I know how lucky I am for experiencing the old. Each moment that I recall, I cry and then I rejoice. 

I do not write to be sad. I write to smile as a tear rolls down my cheek. So many memories! So many beautiful moments! The souls that I miss, they were one of a kind. No other can come close to how they affected me and directed my life. They gave me a purpose that at the time I did not understand. Now, I can see how they left their impressions on this world. Whether it be by their influence on a person, place or moment, they were unique and no other could have done as they did. That's what I want to remember! That's what I choose to remember and to carry on! 

Our moments of pain are not always about us. God never promised that we would be with the ones we love forever. He promised for a time, in which he determines their stay. When we feel pain, its hard to see clearly or to let anything, especially another emotional thought, in to our realm of common sense.

 Losing others is truly not always about us, no matter how close they are to us. Sometimes there are others who have lessons to learn and they need direction. "I" never knew where my mother and I separated because her and I where so much a like. She was my rock, my backbone, my true strength when all other was so out of my reach. She remains the wind beneath my wings, stabilizing me with all of her wisdom but I have found my beginning. I never needed to define us but now I understand the difference and the direction that I must go that my mother never could have traveled. I am blessed to have had an amazing teacher and to have been watched over by such a great woman. I miss so many of my loved ones EVERY DAY, however; I am thankful that in EVERY WAY of my life they each had an influence. 

What Does Tomorrow Bring

When we raise our heads first thing in the morning, we instantly begin to think about how our day will go. We feel the dread or the excitement for what is yet to come. It mind sets the tone for how our day will be dealt with. If our thoughts are strong then we can direct our minds to look for what we want to find. If others around us are the strong ones then they can easily direct our way. 

When we start to question life and our daily decisions then we start to find out who we really are. In life we begin to discover what it is that we want and what it is going to take of ourselves to get there. If we determine the direction we want to go then it makes it easier for us to obtain what we want. If you visualize the package that you are striving for then you can determine the steps to get there. 

So, if its a mind set then what other factors need to be considered in order to get what you are after? Thinking about the necessary steps is the first thing needed in order to put a plan together, however, you also need to list some rules and lines not to cross. We have to determine how to reach for what we want while always remembering to have the human touch first. Other people matter just as much as we do and along our Journey we have lessons to learn and lessons to share. This is where the rules and boundaries come in. 

Its ok to want things in life and to set goals but its not ok to hurt people along the way to obtaining your goals and desires. Karma is real and believe it or not, Karma will set you straight when you least expect it. So, don't do things to others that you know you don't  want done to you. There are no gray areas! You do know the difference between right and wrong! Use that common sense! If you mess up, we all do sometimes, admit it and be the bigger person. Move forward, learn from it and grow! No Journey is flawless or easy. So don't expect it to be!

Everyone's Journey is different. Their steps are put together differently and we need to respect others and their decisions. We are all not made the same. Think about how boring this world would be if we were. We may not agree with everyone in  our lives but that's what makes us individuals. See the examples of life around you and learn from them. Look for a little happiness and get rid of the word perfection. No one is perfect and it just puts way to much stress and pressure on us. Learn to live and direct your life and not let it take over you! 

So when deciding what tomorrow holds for you, remember to set your mind on a positive path! Stay focused taking each step at a time. Stay true to yourself but don't create excuses when you do wrong. You need to be the example setter and pay forward what is given your way. It is true that it takes a village to raise a child. Be part of that raising and in turn, only God knows how far you may go!

 

How Could I Not!

 As I set on the bus I could hear quiet chatter all around me. It had been a long day and my friend and I were headed home from a day trip in St. Charles Missouri. She began talking to me about life in general and asking about the family and friends that we both deeply cared about. When we got to the update on our jobs, she lowered her voice and very shyly said, "How can you do the job that you do?" I just smiled, looked at her and said, "How could I not!" She had a puzzled look on her face so I instantly began to feel the need to explain myself and so, our conversation began. 

She was already aware of the fact that I was an Advocate for children, but as we began our discussion, I soon realized that she really did not know what I did. I started explaining how children in this world do not always have a say in what happens in their lives. They are most often loved, but because of their desire to be loved, and wanted, they can also easily be persuaded to do as others want them to in order to stay in their good graces. To be accepted by someone you love is such a deep, heartfelt need. A child can quickly find themselves in dangerous situations when they are trying to please others. Feelings of being helpless, being worthless and even being unlovable can slip into their minds. 

An Advocate, no matter what profession they are from, or what age of the person they are advocating for, that Advocate, is at times, a lifeline. We are there when the rest of the world steps out. Advocates are the ones who give confirmation in stating that we see them, they are not alone. We show them acceptance for who they are while giving them connections to others, who if they choose to make the connections, these people could possibly change their lives forever. The positive or negative changes lie with the person that we are advocating for. Their growth and change in direction is about having someone to first recognize that they exist. About, people acknowledging that someone cares and believes in them. 

Most often those who are being advocated for have been lost and are lonely. They feel that there is never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel for them, until they meet that one person. That one Advocate that reminds them of how important they are and of the plans for their future that have yet to be developed. It doesn't matter if the Advocate is a Teacher, a Social Worker, an Officer, a Counselor or the neighbor next door. No matter how old or young a person is, we all need an Advocate on our side. 

As I wiped a tear from  my check,  I simply said to my friend, "How could I not be an Advocate"? Not every day is a positive day but, everyday is a day full of possibility. As an Advocate, we always want to do our best to be present for who needs us. The thing  about being an Advocate though, is that somedays, the ones we thought we were helping, end up being our inspiration. Everyone, needs someone!

As I saw my friend wipe a tear from her face it occurred to me that the chattering on the bus had stopped. I thought I was sharing my explanation with my friend, alone. It turns out, we had an audience and several of them had developed a case of the sniffles. 

Power, the Influence of a Parent

As I read over others words, I couldn’t help but smile. It all made me think of when my son was little and how often he would wake me up in the middle of the night. How many times I would wake up to find him in bed beside me or in the floor curled up with a pillow and a cover. I even remembered the knocks at my door only to find my daughter calling out my name or touching my shoulder to wake me up. Whether the wake-up call was in tears, with a smile or just one for safety, it was all important to them and in turn to us as well.

A child is so tender and its true that parents have a kind of power that can make or break them. Reality confirms that you don’t actually know how you will influence your children. If your too strict will it make them go wild. If your too lenient will it invite nothing but trouble into their lives. Sometimes it the most horrible parents that create a child who becomes the most amazing parent ever, all because they swear never to be like there parents were to them.

The story I was reading told of someone who saw how much influence they had on their children and perhaps, they realized how important their job was as a parent. They saw the fear and the beauty in what they did and said and the responsibility as well. 

There is no true book that is right or wrong, good or bad as to how to raise a child. It is always, almost true that what we think they will remember as the most important thing from our time together turns out to be the farthest from their favorite memory.

I loved seeing the insight into another parents’ thoughts on their children. It helps us all to see another view and to know that we are not alone.  Too often in today’s world we see and hear more about parents and less about what children need from us and how they learn from what they see us say and do. The “Me” Generation does not always do our children any favors. Children cannot learn respect for themselves and others unless they see and hear it in their lives.

Mean words and accusations do not grow a strong self-esteem. Blaming someone for wrong they have done and repeatedly bringing up a person’s downfalls is not a way to help them grow and become independent. I always told my son that it was his behavior that I did not like, but behaviors have nothing to do with me loving him. Loving a child is constant, liking what he/she does fluctuates in life but that’s how we all learn, is from our mistakes. Its up to us as parents to help them process their rights and wrongs and guide them in being better people then even we are. Doesn’t mean they should rule our roost just that they deserve to be heard and respected.