And Today

Today holds what tomorrows bring to us as hope. I am unsure that the world knows what is right and wrong but it supplies us with plenty of options. If we can take some time to read what the world says in each day as we interact with the life around us. Hunt for what is meant to be not what we mean for it to be! Smile and honor the stranger who becomes the friend!

Where did I go?

They tell me that life is about living and I have grown to see and experience that everything in this world happens for a reason. Even those things that we do not understand. My question for myself and for God is, what has the last four years meant for my life. I have spent the last four years of my life with a man that made me struggle almost every day for each breath that I took. I have felt my sanity slipping away piece by piece. I lost myself some where in the hormones and fairmones and all the attractions that you think make you want somebody. Did I love him, yes I did! Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him but I also lost myself to him. I became dependent emotionally on him for things that I did not even realize and it is going to take me a while to come out of the fog. As I found with searching for my soul mate earlier this year, you can love someone and know that you can never spend the rest of your life with them. You can just feel that they are or become part of what trouble your soul, your very essence of your living. I can cry and feel pain right now that I know will go away but for now if feels as if it over whelms all that I am. Without him I would have missed baby girl coming into this world and I may never have felt the love in my heart that I thought no longer existed. I was lonely when he came around and he used that to move on in and mold me as to what he wanted and to give some, not all, empty promises to believe in. So, he did love me and shape me and I did allow him to have his way. I reached a point in my life where I realized that I was lost inside myself and I was slipping further and further away from where I wanted to be. I was lost and lonely again but not for a warm body. I needed a companion who saw me and not what they wanted to see or what they wanted to try and mold me into. I needed support and words and listening and little daily things that said I am here for you. With social workers who really believe in helping others your heart is always helping. He knew that from the beginning and he said he treasured it but he tried to suffocate it from my body. A home has to be the place where you can regroup and find yourself instead I found myself more frustrated and frayed when I went home then when I was at work. It became as if there was no quite for me. There was no peace and tranquility to keep me together as me! I am not saying that there were no good times because there were but they were spaced out over the last few years and I have found myself struggling to stay alive from all the pressure. I became someone else that I did not know or like! I have been struggling to break free but because he gave me life again after being alone for so many years he made me feel like if I let him go i would never feel love again. Even though I have known for a while that I have been sinking and losing the ones that do love me because of his actions and mine to tell him to leave. Life is about making your own decisions and for me, he sucked my ability to have confidence in what ever decisions i was trying to make. He questioned me and made me believe that I could not do anything without him to guide me and help me. With some of my struggling medical problems I struggled to believe other wise. What if I got sick and needed help? What if I was all alone and no one checked on me? What if I was all alone and lost and no one could get to me? This last comment, once I thought about it, was already true!......... I was already alone and lost and no one could get through my tough skull that I was sinking and me, I, myself was disappearing. How the hell did it happen........................?I am still struggling to break free and I probably am going to have trouble for a while but I have to stay away from him. I don't know what caused me to let it go so long or drag me down so low and it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I have to remember to have faith in my and who and what I am!!!!! This to shall pass............. I know it will. The pain will ease and the sun will rise and set tomorrow but I only have one me and I need to stop worrying about where I went and give myself credit for where I am going. I have been practicing and working it out in my mind for a while now about where I was as a person again. I cant blame him for everything. He is and was a wonderful person but him and I can not function together and I knew it close to the beginning but I am the one who chose to let it go on. I have only me to blame for now swimming back to the light and for not seeing clearly what I needed to do. For a while I need to stay out of relationships and realize that I can take care of me!..... With God in my corner I will survive and become stronger! I wasn't made perfect for a reason! I just have to accept this as a fact and don't expect myself to be on top all the time. I am not suppose to be!!!! Its OK to be human.................................................

Friends

Friends are what make the world go around. Tonight I danced my night away and the exercise was wonderful but its the women in the class that makes the whole package so special. Tonight I simply say, (Thank you ladies, and gentleman) for all of the fun we have in Zumba class. I not only look forward to the dance and the losing the weight, I look forward to the wonderful people and the socialization. Good night all!

My Beautiful Footprints

We all have footprints on our heart that are meant to create and shape us into who we are. As I get ready to turn 43 this coming Sunday I find myself reviewing all those footprints on my heart that have carried me to the path that I am on. I have so many beautiful footprints that I have to say thank you to some of you. Without you in my life and the effects of your special touches I would be hollow inside. So..... lets talk. In no special order, because you all hold a place that no other can hold, I want to remind you of our special times:
I remember as you left school to be with the man you loved and to have a life together for your son that was on the way. You were so young and yet I found myself jealous because you were starting your life without me. You have survived through so much love and pain in your life. You were given responsibility beyond what you should have had to endure, but at least you have not been alone. I remember dancing in your front room to My Sharona and all of us girls trying to fit on your bed in the hot summer to take in the fan. You gave your son the middle name I wanted mine to have and now days I thank you for that save. I love you so much and you are so talented and such a beautiful person. You were the one of us that could go without makeup when we were kids and we would all look at you with frustration because you would repeatedly tell us that soap and water kept your face clear. You were and still are a beautiful woman that has a heart of gold and you carry the same name as our other friend. She was a country girl who drove that car all over Salem and never got stopped until the day she turned sixteen. She loved and lost and was always the beautiful blond that all of the boys were crazy about. She was in my wedding and flaunted herself so beautifully at her man. I remember her and I living together briefly as she was pregnant with her son. Over the years we always found each other again. She was discovering men in her life and the main man was her son who won her heart. She struggled through life, love, hurt, loss and pain and still survived all odds and found a way to rebuild her life. Mistrust put us at a distance but she and I both knew that we loved each other and nothing could change what we had already experienced together. We all make and have made mistakes but friends love and find a way to bridge past the differences. I love her still and we have shared many adult years due to us both being single for a lot of our lives. We will always have St. Elmo and the memories of that world to hold us in her sons family. The music of his dad continues to sing on even today. Another beautiful one i remember clear as day being in that old house and listening to Jesse's Girl. You were absolutely so beautiful then inside and out and you still are today. I almost did not get the chance to tell you how special you are to me and how much I love and miss you. You hold your daughter so close and the grand baby you share with our first friends we never even thought of your children creating such a beautiful little girl. A special girl to turn all of your worlds into her own putty. You were my one friend who taught me about being and looking beautiful on the outside. You struggled with me and almost lost your touch when a knife swiftly and stupidly cut you by mistake. I have forever regretted you having to go through that moment along with a few others that you endured. Know that you always hold that special place of teaching me about perfection and how it is not a bad thing is someone life. It can actually be quite beautiful. Oh,...... my beautiful, beautiful friend who we all felt her heart to be so soft and loving towards everyone. She was a missing peace of our hearts when she disappeared out of our lives for so many years. She was lost, and some how one of us found her. You know who you are and when you were found it was Gods answer to our prayers and yours. You were so lonely and scared and tired of going on by yourself. Your sweet and attentive beautiful ways. I remember us trying to hide in the snow that year as we had passed our curfew and the officer was there catching us. He told us to go home and we all went straight home. He must of laughed at us for hours after seeing us run like wildfire and our bodies hiding in that white snow. I have to laugh now just to think about it. We are all so blessed to have you back and I love you more than words can ever say. My other friend you and I share, well actually we all have had her in our lives. Her and I use to share clothes and she would spend weeks at a time with me at my house. Her brothers were always in and out of our lives and I have kept one close to me for almost four years now. We all have memories with them good and bad. My memories with her are funny and loving. A summer of swimming and riding bikes and developing the twenty inchers and the death angels. We were finding out together about love and her purple rain man become her husband. Over time she remains the wild child and we have to love her because we cant ever and don't ever want to think of us without her in our lives. She is the one that is so young looking and keeps the young red head at her side. She has the daughter that I always wanted and she was kind enough to let me share the birth and growth of her first grand baby, baby Girl! I thank you for that blessing in my life and I have enjoyed sharing that precious time with you. Another friend of mine has found her home in Texas but lived with me and shared my room and mother for such a long time. I mysteriously do not remember a lot of jealous over my mothers love just over her talent for writing. We spent a minimum of five years plus not speaking because of a man that I stupidly brought into my life. I thought I had lost you and thanks to Gods blessings we found each other again. My favorite time was sharing my room with you and loving you as my sister. Know that you are unique to my clan and no one can ever take your place and that's a compliment not a mistake! Another footprint that came my way was a blond young girl that I looked after and we experienced a touching moment with her brother lost to this world. We have yelled and screamed at each other for young mistakes that she made but she often could find herself lost. I will forever remember the hickeys on your neck the night you came back to me with the fiance and how upset I was but again he crossed the line and I had to be the better person for I was being so mislead. I still love her and forgive her. She formed me and now I know not where she is but I will still keep her in my heart. One of the friends that taught me about life and singing, playing guitar and lock ins at churches I will never forget you. You were so talented back then and the talent is even greater today not just for your skills but for bringing glory to God in the right places. One of our favorite pastimes was you playing highway to heaven and me accompanying you with the singing. You are the one who gave me my favorite song that I now share with my son and shared with my mother, play it at my funeral for Amazing Grace is what all of my friends have blessed me with. I am thankful for all of the love. I will love you all like my sisters forever. I have been blessed to have known all of you and to have had your footprints on my heart and soul. LYLASA.................................... You all know what this means. I do have one more friend that if she ever shows up and you ladies meet her, she topped off what you all would have done. I met her in college and her name was Phyllis. She kept our love and passion for life alive. For my 21st birthday she took me to a strip club (Demorox)..... and she had kept you all in mind, except for you Bec.(sorry) she saved money back for me and she bought me a few drinks and added a few dollars to the star on stage who guess what, looked just like Jeff. You all know who I mean. I had the time of my life and she kept me safe. Long story short..... I got saw that night and when the lights came on my name was called from the back of the room. I never forgot that lesson of pay attention to what you are doing as an adult because somebody is always watching. I love you all and thank you for being my friends. I will cherish this memories all of the rest of my life. Each of you and your beautiful footprints created me bit by bit! Thank you for your many blessings!

The Touch

I heard it rustle and felt it brush against my skin. So gentle, so fresh, so soft upon my face. It settles me and keeps me alive. I look forward to the days where I can sit and breath so deep. I can feel so real and know that it carries the sounds of those I love. It twitters and shivers as the birds voices are so loud and clear. The smells of the day, of the things that I love. No color but yet it reveals who they are. It tells us all we need to survive. It touches us in a way that no other can. It holds us tightly and leaves an impression for life. The wind holds us close with a breeze that is all its own and never the same twice.

Her husband, her partner, her friend

A day full of questions, no answer close by to give. I wonder if true love exists or if its a fairytale of make believe and wishes filled of hope. I saw innocent love today. Innocent, unangered, unaware of anything but the hunger to be with the one they loved. Then I saw love tired and wore out. Love that had peaked and still lingered for each other but so many hurtful words have hide the truth of how deeply they feel. In disguise the love from a far while fighting in close range and looking for a way to say I truly am sorry and will love you whole and completely my whole life. She runs for her sanity. He runs for cover up of mistakes that he knows he cant correct that have cost him a lifetime with out his soul mate to endure. I saw yet another love that she continues to suffer as he hurts her and puts her down. She excuses him but you can see that she no longer excepts that he does these things because he was raised this way. He learned what he lived in. She longs for what she has always dreamed of. Love is not a savior on a white horse that completes your every sexual fantasy and orgasm multiplied. Love is honor and respect. It is holding ones heart when you know that without the other person your soul will shatter. Its completing each other but not smothering the individuals desires. Its about loving unconditional and trusting whole heartily. Having a lifetime companion to share your laughter, your dreams and every piece of sorrow with tears in their eyes as they hold us weeping. Its about knowing that you would give your life for this person without being asked the question. I saw a final comment of love tonight that made me smile into the night. She said she missed him. They have been together sharing a life of love, challenge and destiny. He loves her and it is unconditionally. He cares for her and they guide each other together always. They miss each other after all these years. He completes her I know its true because as an individual he lets her stand strong. She may be on her own but she is never alone! He is the strong silent type that stands beside her waiting and watching until she looks his way and without a word he will remain her husband, her partner, her friend. A true paring of love for eternity

A little bit of love still remains

Today's been one of those days that's its hard to find something to make your world seem inspirational. I have had a lot of negatives but I guess a few things have been positive too. I started the day out with a surprise visit in the bathroom from my chipmunk friend. I was washing my hair in the bathtub when I looked over and beside me was Tiger on his back legs with his head in the tub beside me. It was pretty funny seeing a cat like that! I guess the day was pretty unveiling. I aggravated some co-workers and did nothing but work all day. The real meaning for the word soft hearted and warm and snugly came when I went to see the movie "Letters to Juliet". I am telling you that my heart skipped a beat to think about anyone loving another person that much and to find new love at the same time. We all have what we feel like is our soul mate and sometimes it works out and other times its a stabbing pain when your heart blows into a million pieces. The show was heartwarming and it reminded me of my one true love. The kind of love that nothing can come between the two of you. It doesn't always mean that you will spend your life with that person but it does mean that you will never love another human being even close to the same way as you do your soul mate. My heart longs for him now even though I know that I will never be with him again. Its a beautiful memory of the way things once were. Can you remember that person in your life that made you feel like this? Can you remember the chill you felt down your spine when their skin gently brushed yours. When they looked at you from across the room and it was as if the whole world stood still and could read each others mind. Your bodies flowed together as if they were one. Just a look, a touch, a sound of a familiar song can make you stand still in your daily hubba because it makes you remember that one true love.That beautiful and complete feeling that you would love to conquer all over again. Is it possible that you could try again? Is there still hope in your heart and your soul? Your essence is counting on the right answers. Could it be that a little bit of love still remains? Maybe, what do you think?

Listen

Today's been a long day and I find myself very tiring as the day comes to a close. I have worked a full day, completed homework, Zumba class and now more writing and homework. My days seem to fill up quickly and my nights are not long enough to give my body time to rest. My doctor says to slow down because i am not a young chicken any more and I have to laugh because I don't know how to slow down. I have been on the go multitasking for as long as I can remember. I must have at least been seventeen when i got pregnant with my son and started cramming all I could into one day. Back in those days i was a full time mom, worked and went to school to be a CNA. I guess that was my first taste of trying to further my education. I just kept right on going. I will be 43 years old on the 23rd of this month and I keep thinking to myself that if I slow down I will be lost. I would not know how to sit still. My dad always did yell at me to sit down and be still when we were fishing in the boat. Guess that is why I didn't go much with him. My only sense of relaxation usually comes from nature. A walk, swimming, fishing, mowing the grass or just sitting outside listening to the frogs on a summer night. I can barely remember being really little and my family having a bus on a site at a campground somewhere between Kinmundy and Patoka. A lake to swim in and a family by the name of Trout. Most of all I remember the feeling of being safe. The outdoor sounds and the locust shells on the trees. The smell of fresh grass being mowed. Its funny to me how sounds can comfort a persons soul. Still to this day I hear the sounds of the bullfrogs and all I want to do is close my eyes and listen, simply listen.

A simple smile

Today has been one of those days where your whole body is wore out way before the day is over. We had accreditation people in our office today and I actually became amazed at how wonderful the day went. We had meetings throughout the day and I saw people coming together and really working towards a purpose. Mainly, the purpose was to further help the children we serve but it was more than that. It was about team work and helping an agency stand strong. I loved all the interactions and seeing all the people put their effort out to do the best job for their team. there were a few glitches here and there but not many. I also found a nervousness and a camaraderie with my co-workers. I have known from close to the beginning that I work in a good agency with wonderful people but when you see those people accomplish some of their goals its worth all the hard work. Even if those goals accomplished are ones that are just for the day. The gals all pulled together and we did a good job. At the end of the day it was about the agency but it sure felt good to see the smile on our bosses face and to hear her congratulate my co workers and myself for a job well done. My team is awesome, my co-workers fantastic but it takes a wonderful boss to pull it all together and I think that for the first time I am learning about what it takes to be a real leader. A special thank you goes out to God today from me for all the wonderful people I have encountered and for that simple smile I saw on my bosses face as she also saw a job well done by the people she counted on!

Bit by Bit

I have spent most of the day wondering what inspiration was going to hit me and then over my lunch hour a warm feeling filled my heart up when someone started talking to me. I had not talked to her for a long time and it just felt good to remember the memories from the past. Its not so much about what she had to say. It was more about the connection. When you love someone you either love them whole heartily or you love them bit by bit. The saddest part is that some times those parts fall in and out of your memories for a long time, some reflecting good and some not.
I am the oldest of about 31 grandchildren and I never get to spend enough time with any of them, but I love them more then anything. One of them messaged me out of the blue today on Facebook, (Yes, I do facebook to) and she just started talking. It was almost as if I could hear her and feel her right next to me. All of my cousins hold a special place in my heart but for this one and her sister and brother they hold a very dear place because when I was about 16 years old we all use to live together. Even before that our moms spent a lot of time together so we were close. Any way , over time as we grow older we tend to move apart and move in other directions. I have my family, job and school. She has her family and job and lots of extra activities to keep her busy with the kids and her husband. When I talked to her today the here and the now disappeared and what I saw was the young kids hanging out together. Me loving and wanting to make sure they were OK and them, at the time, hanging on every word I said. I still have the Unicorn drawing in my scrap book that her sister made me. I was told that they still have the Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett scrapbooks that I made them. I have to smile at the thought of all the time we spent together and how no matter how old we get time can never take those memories from us. I must not forget their brother. Together the girls and I broke him from the bottle and potty trained him. Sorry big guy. I just had to include you in that smile. Now they are older in their twenties and thirties and i still miss them by my side. Ill be OK because I still get to share a little piece of their lives once in a while, but I will always long for that feeling of completeness that you obtain when you are a child. For all of you grown ups out there, there is nothing wrong with remembering the past but make it good memories that you hold dear. Bad memories can eat you alive but the good ones they give you hope and remind you that its important to love some one. Even if you only love them for a short time! My inspiration comes from my heart with all the memories that i chose to pull forward. Its up to us to enjoy life, remembering the past and making new memories,hopefully good ones to hold onto when were in our 80's. You decide, but in the mean time, whats your favorite memory? Hold onto it and savor it!

Maturity

I ran into an old friend of mine today. I had not seen her for over13 years. I watched her face and listened to her as she looked at me with a smile a repeated to me how she thought I had matured. She held her smile with a wink of surprise. She could tell all the years of growth just by looking at my face. She caught herself and made sure to say that I wasn’t looking old, it’s just that she could tell that I was no longer a young kid, inexperienced and wide eyed to what the world had to offer me.

She made me think about Maturity and what her definition really was. Does it mean that the world no longer holds surprises for you? I don’t think so. There are endless things in this world to occupy my mind. Does it mean that the world had become tainted for me from all the years of being a social worker and working with all of the people who lead hard and misunderstood lives? No, what she was saying was that for the first time she saw me as a grown adult woman that had found her place in this world and had years of experience behind her.

The last time we had saw each other I was in my early twenties as a single mom still trying to find out where I fit into this world. She was at one point one of my mentors that taught me about some of the hardships of life. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was paying me a compliment. I can look back on today and still hear her words and see her smile and know that she knew she had played a part in making me who I had become. My thoughts of others that I have mentored enter my head. I wonder, if they view me in a positive light? Did I teach them what they needed to learn? Do I show them the human factor first? Teach them to always respect the person next to them. Will they remember me as I remember her, a wonderful caring friend who put others in distress first before herself. Treat each other with respect and remember that the person in trouble could always be one of us next time or someone we love. Remember the human factor of every situation because for you and me, it could mean the difference between life and death of someone that holds another someone’s heart and soul in their hands. Everyone has a purpose and reason for being! What’s your purpose and reason?

Our ways are all different

My mom always taught me to appreciate others differences. If we were all alike the world would be a boring place. Though this is a true comment sometimes differences make it hard for a few of us. I work in and out of the court system and I often see generations of our mistakes. Today I saw a loving family, present yet confused, for a court hearing where it appeared that almost all of the family thought they were on trial. Perhaps they were? Life is hard sometimes to understand because we cant read each others minds. The family was on trial for their beliefs. I am not saying that their beliefs were good or bad but what I am saying is that for the worlds standard of "Normal" they were not complete. They were not complete on how do we talk to our children about sex? How do we teach them to do as we say not as we do? There is no rule book to being a parent! Dr Spock didn't have all the answers for my parents when I was little and there still is no easy way of teaching a child right from wrong, EXCEPT for maybe, live by example. They learn what they live in so as parents we better do a good job or at least do our best. Like i said earlier, we are dealing with generations of families. All of our lives are different at home. We have no clue what actually goes on behind the walls of the neighbor's house unless we live there. What we think we see, maybe not so. So be careful before we judge anybody. Their parenting skills may not be up to the standards of "normal" because their standards of generations and societies standards are not the same. You have to teach someone better ways, but if no one is there to teach them then they do the best they can and so that becomes the family normal. In today's society with the drugs and alcohol abuse and even absent mothers and fathers we are bound to have some empty spots that need working on. The children are the ones that we need to concentrate on. They are after all our next generation. I also have to add that I know many of you are angry when DCFS shows up at your doorstep and then they keep coming back again and again but there are some workers out there who are on your side. So give these workers a chance to keep your family together or else put them back together. I saw a worker today go the extra mile to keep a child's behavior from being discussed in the courtroom and she was very respectful to all involved. She not only had the courtroom stop but she had the Judge, the child and the family in mind. There are good DCFS workers out there but we have to stay positive to what the world holds. We are all different and we have to look at each individual difference in order to make the changes needed for our children. We are different with a purpose and no it is not just to annoy some of us, well maybe just a few of us.

Gifts from the Heart

My son and Nikki (his fiance) surprised me tonight with gifts from the heart. They gave me the traditional rose of red and blue with Steve barely reaching me to give it to me by midnight. He proudly gave me his gift of love but the best gifts were that they both had made me home made mothers day cards. Strange you may say for grown children in their early twenties to make a card for their mother. Its not strange when work is hard to come by in our area and they know that their is one person why bends over backwards to make sure that they are OK. The words in the cards were inspirational. One of thank yous for taking care of me when my mother is not able to and the other one whisked me away with words of I love you and thank you for never giving up on me. How can you give up on somebody that you believe in your heart and soul has so much potential. I have a love for my son that can never be put into words. He has given me more love and guidance in my life just from his pure existence than any inspiration could bring flight to some of my dreams. God blessed me with him and all the trials that came for a reason. He made me tough so my son could be loving and tough when it counted. On this mothers day, God reminded me that all those moments in my life when I struggled to understand my life and misdirections that all I had to do was remember the legacy that counts. The memories that your children and their friends remember!

My Sons gift to me

Through the years my son and I have had many trying moments. I have learned to pick my battles. Steven has ADD (attention deficit disorder) and because of this fact he is extremely smart but he is also very impulsive and very sensitive. A lesson learned for me of how I have touched his heart came one year for mothers day. We were broke and had no money other than for the basics. Steven was not working. He was about seventeen and he always knew that mothers day for me was hard without my mother. So one day when I came home he asked me to sit down at the table with him, he had a mothers day gift for me. Surprised and curious, I sit down and patiently looked into his loving face. He pulled out seventeen different size rocks and began explaining to me that each rock represented him and his relationship to me in his life. The small rocks represented the first five years of his life and how I taught him about loving and respecting each other even on days when he may not have earned my love or respect. I had protected him and he always knew that he was safe and protected as long as I was close by. The next five years were represented by the next set of rocks which slowly grew and they were all about the trials of learning how to handle relationships in a young persons life and reminding him that God was always a part of his life even during those times when he again did not think that he deserved love and respect. Now, as we grew into the next seven years with the bigger rocks telling how the bigger problems in life evolved he began to tell me how his struggles always came back to what is it that mom would say. He learned to answer his own problems with his own thoughts on how he saw life. He may no always make the right decisions, however, he always will try to remember that he is a part of me, his grandmother and himself. He reminded me that he was young but he was also a young man that was going to be just fine. He had a basis for all of life's many questions.

Life Without Her

Todays the day that I slow down and remember who she was and how she made me. She was my best friend and could always sense when I had questions and was troubled. I was only twenty-one years old when I lost my mother. She was beautiful on the inside and the out. She had a heart that made it seem as if she could hold the worlds problems in her hands and make all the bad disappear. She was so kind and loving. My heart yearns for her touch. She was such a strong woman and she never knew a stranger. I loved her so much and my heart has a hole so deep that only in my dreams can it be filled. I miss her so greatly. I only make it through the rough times because of the strength that she shared with me and the wisdom that she passed down to me and now me to my son. Non of us are perfect but this is my log to honor my mother by sharing what wisdom she has left with me. She is my inspiration for all that is worth living. She was a woman of courage and as I know and will always remember, she is and will remain the wind beneath my wings.