Where did I go?

They tell me that life is about living and I have grown to see and experience that everything in this world happens for a reason. Even those things that we do not understand. My question for myself and for God is, what has the last four years meant for my life. I have spent the last four years of my life with a man that made me struggle almost every day for each breath that I took. I have felt my sanity slipping away piece by piece. I lost myself some where in the hormones and fairmones and all the attractions that you think make you want somebody. Did I love him, yes I did! Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him but I also lost myself to him. I became dependent emotionally on him for things that I did not even realize and it is going to take me a while to come out of the fog. As I found with searching for my soul mate earlier this year, you can love someone and know that you can never spend the rest of your life with them. You can just feel that they are or become part of what trouble your soul, your very essence of your living. I can cry and feel pain right now that I know will go away but for now if feels as if it over whelms all that I am. Without him I would have missed baby girl coming into this world and I may never have felt the love in my heart that I thought no longer existed. I was lonely when he came around and he used that to move on in and mold me as to what he wanted and to give some, not all, empty promises to believe in. So, he did love me and shape me and I did allow him to have his way. I reached a point in my life where I realized that I was lost inside myself and I was slipping further and further away from where I wanted to be. I was lost and lonely again but not for a warm body. I needed a companion who saw me and not what they wanted to see or what they wanted to try and mold me into. I needed support and words and listening and little daily things that said I am here for you. With social workers who really believe in helping others your heart is always helping. He knew that from the beginning and he said he treasured it but he tried to suffocate it from my body. A home has to be the place where you can regroup and find yourself instead I found myself more frustrated and frayed when I went home then when I was at work. It became as if there was no quite for me. There was no peace and tranquility to keep me together as me! I am not saying that there were no good times because there were but they were spaced out over the last few years and I have found myself struggling to stay alive from all the pressure. I became someone else that I did not know or like! I have been struggling to break free but because he gave me life again after being alone for so many years he made me feel like if I let him go i would never feel love again. Even though I have known for a while that I have been sinking and losing the ones that do love me because of his actions and mine to tell him to leave. Life is about making your own decisions and for me, he sucked my ability to have confidence in what ever decisions i was trying to make. He questioned me and made me believe that I could not do anything without him to guide me and help me. With some of my struggling medical problems I struggled to believe other wise. What if I got sick and needed help? What if I was all alone and no one checked on me? What if I was all alone and lost and no one could get to me? This last comment, once I thought about it, was already true!......... I was already alone and lost and no one could get through my tough skull that I was sinking and me, I, myself was disappearing. How the hell did it happen........................?I am still struggling to break free and I probably am going to have trouble for a while but I have to stay away from him. I don't know what caused me to let it go so long or drag me down so low and it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I have to remember to have faith in my and who and what I am!!!!! This to shall pass............. I know it will. The pain will ease and the sun will rise and set tomorrow but I only have one me and I need to stop worrying about where I went and give myself credit for where I am going. I have been practicing and working it out in my mind for a while now about where I was as a person again. I cant blame him for everything. He is and was a wonderful person but him and I can not function together and I knew it close to the beginning but I am the one who chose to let it go on. I have only me to blame for now swimming back to the light and for not seeing clearly what I needed to do. For a while I need to stay out of relationships and realize that I can take care of me!..... With God in my corner I will survive and become stronger! I wasn't made perfect for a reason! I just have to accept this as a fact and don't expect myself to be on top all the time. I am not suppose to be!!!! Its OK to be human.................................................