A Beginning to an End

The world has so many ups and downs to offer us in a lifetime. When in recall, a single day can hold your highest and lowest moment. To realize that we are all made different for a reason can give us so many over whelming thoughts.Why do we question not only who we are but who our neighbors or even our own children are. If we live our lives trying to decipher every trial and tribulation that God lays out before us then where is the time for us to just simply enjoy what he has given us at the moment? There will always be highs and lows...happiness and sadness. These are the emotions and challenges in our lives that keep us humble and reminds us to give what we wish to be given....a human touch....a word of encouragement to another...a smile on a cold day when we feel that we cant take on another day of misery or discussion. We learn and educate each other from what we observe around us! Someone is always watching! We find ourselves wondering why sometimes we are handed down the life that we receive but the truth is that all of us fit into a puzzle....a right and fitting puzzle...One that we belong too even when we may feel left out of place or alone.
This last year has given us so many challenges, yet the rewards for some of us for our struggles can easily be over looked. To all my friends and family that have touched my life in the last year......Thank you for loving me even at times that maybe neither one of us deserved the love and understanding. Its a special thing to love someone unconditionally and for those close to my heart...YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY! God has never specified who I could or should let into my life....He gave us all free will to mold our lives and to touch others as they touch us...But don't think that he isn't the orchestra behind your encounters. For many of us we may carry baggage over the years and become very tainted about some areas of life but for the most of us we know right when we see it! We know how to treat others and how we want to be treated. For this next year, for its a frame of mind and could even be for the rest of our existence, choose to be the "RIGHT" ONE to lead not follow...to stand up and not fall under pressure...to remember not only our beginning but also our end.... to show what life has to give for all those who are observing....then make a promise not only to ourselves but to the legacy of friends and family that we leave behind to make a better world to live in! To find a way to make a difference happen and mean more than just words. Be the one to smile at the person next to you even though they may be the most demised to all you know. Stop and pay it forward for what you have been given! Blessings are sometimes not immediately identified but they are there....lying beneath what yet is to be revealed. Make this next year be the Beginning to the end of your teaching others to lie dormant....Grow and stand up to offer the world around US a shape of what life has to offer! You CAN BE THE ONE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN ALL THE AREAS THAT YOU FEEL NEED YOUR INSIGHT! GUIDE WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN! THINK ON ALL THE POSSIBILITIES AND HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS AND MAKE IT A WONDERFUL NEW START TO MANY NEW YEARS! ONE VOICE......YOUR VOICE..... CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! BELIEVE A LITTLE! YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED WHAT YOU CAN DISCOVER! Remember to love often and true! I look forward to the new year and seeing what it holds for us all! Merry Christmas
Kim & Family 2011

In our Worlds

Challenges are many in our world but the greatest ones are made up of learning about those around us. We all live differently and we all really do come from different worlds. After four nights and five days in the big city so many things came to light.

You can observe the mounds of people from corner to corner but to see them as individuals can seem to hard to bare at times. As we walked down the streets we saw one different face after another but quite often we were told not to look the ones in the face that were of a suspicious nature. My question is, define suspicious?

A face of a different color or a language of another. There were groups of gathering and then there was aloneness, So many yet so few. Sad feeling came over us to see and eat in so many wonderful top notched restaurants and on the same night to see old bones and left- overs dug out of the trash cans on the streets. People, happy and laughing on the street side as they ate and just a few feet from them were others in doubt of their survival from day to day.

On Michigan Ave so many beautiful and expensive luxuries to grace the home and pull from the pockets yet we saw gold and silver as they panhandled on the street side to the sound of music. For a moment you were entertained until the whistles blew and the men in blue came.

The true beauty of the city was the reminder that human touch means the same in any place. The love and development, the guidance of a child and their mother. The holding of the hand of the one your with and the laughing and smiling as they walk hand in hand. The kindness of a simple person. So many lovers of mans best friend even right down to their own parks and walks, many more in the city then expected.

Now away from all the evidence and back into this real world the city will not be forgotten. The experience is one of many blessings and new discoveries that have become new to others. A story to tell has many avenues and this one will be held as an adventure of still more visits to come.

An Attitude of Unintentional

So much to do, she was running from place to place and side to side. She knew she was on a time limit. Too watch her you could see her dedication yet she was tired already and she had just begin her adventure for the day. She was so young with so many responsibilities. She handled them well but there were always moments of frustration. She was beautiful and duty bound. First she had the cupcakes to prepare. Did she buy the gift? Well, of course she did. It was her daughters third birthday after all. She was prepared but there were many tasks at hand for the day. Cupcakes in the oven, out of the oven and icing, colored or no. Yes, blue was her favorite with some pink and purple. They had to match her tutu.
Ok, cupcakes done and balloons were awaiting her. Wow, didn’t use to be so hard to blow up so many. Pink, that was the main color for today. Pink everything from the cupcakes, to her clothes to the table clothes. It would be beautiful! Plans don’t always go well and it takes for ever for the family to get there even when they were given the invitations a month ago. She always prepared for them to be at least an hour late. They granted her expectations now two years in a row. She was sure that this year would be no different.
Her mother was there and her boyfriend Nathaniel but it still was all a task that she took great pride in attempting for her little girl. She would prepare with elaborate decorations and great time and care on getting the cupcakes beautiful to the eye. This year they were to have a three in the middle of them. They were shaping up quit nice.
Jennifer had been a young mom but she adapted very well to caring for Zoey. From the day she was born the sparkle was in her eye as to how precious this sweet little baby was. The father was of no account. He only caused heartache and turmoil when he was present. She learned how to be strong at an early age. She had very little help from her parents as to the fact that they argued on a regular basis and they were so volatile that she was unable to count on them working anything out together. They loved their granddaughter but as a couple they could only bring her harm.
Zoey was a beautiful blond blue eyed little girl. Her smile and laughter melted so many hearts. She was full of life and growing so quickly. She was like her mother, so calm at heart yet so lovable to those who paid attention to her. She was a mirror image of her mothers love.
As the time grew closer for Zoeys party Jennifer grew more tired as she prepared the last of the details. The tablecloths were on, the cupcakes delicious and placed beautifully on the table. Pinks, purples, blues all in little princesses. Lots of work, but so many rewards yet to come. The food was complete with the hot dogs and the hamburgers for the adults. Nathanial’s contribution to the party.
It was close to time the family and friends were all starting to arrive. One, two, three the parents were of course apologizing for the later hour than requested but Jennifer took it in stride since she had expected the delay. Presents, piling high in the wake of the occasion. It was almost that time.
As the children played outside the adult guest chattered in the background to the every once in a while yell of “Hey, you know better than that, play nicely.” Food came first; presents and cake later as too give everyone time to arrive. It was almost as if a feeding frenzy had occurred. One thing this crew enjoyed was food of any sort!
Zoey, impatient and asking about her cupcakes and her presents pushed the food eating to a halt. It was time for the party to really begin and the queen of beauty who had patiently been waiting to have her day. Jennifer surrounded the little party table with Zoey in the middle and the songs began. So much laughter as she blew out the single little cupcake and then started giving the kids and adults their share of her party cakes, of course she had to remove the outside wrapper first. So many smiles and lights a flashing. She danced and sparkled as she opened her presents to find horses and hats and movies and so much fun calling her name.
Jennifer ran as if she was being chased by time itself. She was a busy momma with so much happiness and love for Zoey. She paid attention to the details, was there enough food, drink, cupcakes. Did the present wrapping get picked up? Was everybody thanked for the generosity that they showed to her and her daughter? Was there anyone that she hadn’t talked to or made sure to at least make them feel wanted at Zoeys party? She was very attentive and the day was closing.
As the family and friends began to leave Jennifer felt a sense of satisfaction. She had made it through the day. The third birthday of her beautiful little one was a success. All were happy and the comfort of success left her exhausted. As the mess was cleaned up and the rooms became empty she began to smile and as she looked lovingly towards her daughter. Jennifer felt a warm hand on her shoulder and a gentle kiss on her neck as Nathanial softly whispered into her ear, “Honey, just think, next year, for her fourth, we will have Fabian in our arms as we celebrate her birthday and plan for his first. You have done well my beautiful Lady. As always you spared no love.” He smiled and gently held her tight. “I love you more than words can say.” She showed so much strength and dedication to her family and her daughter. An Attitude of unintentional was so apparent. She gave from her heart not because she thought she had to impress any one. It was because she loved what she was doing and who all she did it for. Next year it would be even grander but at least she might have a little more energy……..

Steven

Most mothers either hold their children to close or not close enough. You are always held closely to my heart because without you my world would fall apart! Dont ever think that being a parent is easy because God gives us hearts that break just as easy as yours and tough love isnt always so easy to hold onto. When you love your child you will always make mistakes. Its part of being human but when ...you love them more then life itself you learn to do whats right instead of whats easy! I love you babe! Dont ever forget your place in my heart! No one could ever be you! From birth till God brings you home you will always be at the top of my list! Yes, even on days when YOu dont like me very much! I am still here! On Earth or in heaven, my watchful heart and prayers will always be in your favor! A mothers love, my love is forever!
This is a just because I love you note and felt like you needed to know! You may make your own decision in this world now but remember that your mother will always love you even on those days when words just dont seem to be enough or make much sense. A mothers love really is forever. We may not always like or understand each others behaviors but thats why God made us individuals!

Changes

Life can sometimes be so unpredictable. It has so much beauty in so many different places. To share a life with someone and to learn to be OK with all their differences takes time but to love someone unconditionally takes a way of being. A new love a new life is sometimes harder on the heart then it is on the mind. When a heart breaks it crumbles into many pieces where our mind learns to say what we think and move on but our heart hurts for a much longer time. In families and relationships it is a lot easier to act as if life in general is an ease even when we all know that sometimes life is lived on a day by day basis because being in relationships can bring so many changes to your life. Letting a piece of yourself be shared with another human being is scary and to some of us could be dangerous if we don't stand up for ourselves. The biggest thought is that when we are young we are so very inexperienced and when we become older and yes wiser we also carry baggage over to each other. To be happy while learning to experience life but also to be happy while learning to rediscover life. Loving someone is the hardest thing that we can do. There sometimes is not a right way or a wrong way to love someone. There is only a right or wrong when it comes to our behaviors. When a heart loves it loves completely. The boundaries often become blurred as too what makes us happy and what helps us to hold onto what makes us feel whole. Being in misery is not a way of living. Being yourself and learning to face the changes in your life and accepting the changes as a challenge that you will welcome and over come is a blessing that sometimes we all need for cleansing the soul and rebooting who and what we have become.

My Mom

This is the reason that I Salem Illinois Relay for Life! Meet my teacher, my best friend and the wisest person I have ever known! This is my mother, Carolyn Owens Barbee Hoffman. She passed away from Larynx (voice box) Cancer when I was only 21. She was only 41. This fundraiser is my way of saying Happy Mothers Day to my mom in heaven and thanking her for every day that God gave us together! She will always be the wind beneath my wings and what drives me to raise as much money as humanly possible to help this cause! Come out this Saturday, May 7th at the Moose in Centralia from 2-4pm and help us find a cure for cancer one step at a time by joining our Zumbathon! Honor your mothers and your loved ones! Lets celebrate the life that breaths inside us and gives us each one more day with those that we love! I hope to see you all there!
This was my facebook post and what I felt the world should know about why I decided to do this particular Zumbathon fundraiser. What I didnt say was how emotional and in turmoil a heart can be when you already miss your mother and then you compound on top of that with new cancer struggles. My heart cries out for my mothers daily guidance but she has left me a sense of stability because she left me inner strength and the ability to admit when I am wrong and the wisdom to learn from my mistakes. To grow and not be ashamed of what mistakes that may enter my life.
There were some areas that she could have not forseen and it is those areas that break my heart and I struggle to stay afloat in this world because of them. She could never have known that I would struggle myself with issues of discovering possible cancers and the scare of what my life will reveal for my personal health. She also could not for see the fact that my dad would only several weeks before the fundraiser be informed and confirmed that he also had cancer. How can you work up the strength to complete a fundraiser that you are very emotionally attatched and dedicated to only to have to find the strength to now handle your fathers news. God, I so whisper to myself repeatedly that you will not give me any more than what I can handle in one day! My needed strength developed!!!! Cancer is a monster that so many of us fight to survive. It not only effects the person that it is eating away at, it effects the family as a whole! Its a family disease and whether its a long or short struggle its a struggle in the memories of those left behind for life long.
The one thing that I will always regret about my mom dying is that when she started getting so sick she had put her arms around me one day and moved her lips saying I love you. I had to remove her arms from around my neck because she was so weak! I always wanted to go back and stay in that position again and never leave it. Just to rest in her arms. Reality is that of course I can never do that but her arms have never left me. I am looking forward to this fundraiser but I am also praying for strength for my dad and myself to get through the next few months. She always taught me that life happens for a reason. Maybe, this is all happening at the same time to introduce me to those that I need to build my strength with. Everyone needs someone and God did not make us to be left alone...so... I need the people that I am meeting in regards to this fundraiser. My mom is still right there guiding me and God has never left me he builds me stronger as I go into the next few months with my father and his cancer. I pray that all is ok but time will tell and only God knows what tomorrow holds. I will just have to wait to see what he uncovers for me a little at a time. I may not understand it but there are lessons to be learned some where. So God...my prayers are that you give me strength, calm my crying heart and touch me gently and reassure me that you will never give more than what I can handle in one day!I know that the next few months and each day will be filled with challenges but please grant me some comfort and some kind words to get through them.

Minus the Space of Love

As we long for the love of a lifetime its easy to sometimes miss the meat of the reasons why you love someone. What makes us feel this way. A heart that aches because of loneliness but still claims to love someone and to share their life with that someone? Is there more than just the words and the occasional touch that sparks the warm and tender places in the person? How important is intimacy in building and holding together a relationship? So many questions yet no real easy answers. To love someone but still feel so alone. How can you feel that way about another when you have easy access to them? How can you hope to feel complete when you feel and see the hole in your life on a daily basis? How much time do you spend getting to know that person? An aching in your heart does not define love but it can define loneliness and the desire to not only be loved but a desire to want more out of life than survival. Everyone deserves a chance to grow and be the most positive and strong and powerful in their living that a person can be. To smile and reach out to others without having a doubting soul, an empty soul because we feel incomplete, unworthy because another person only wants us when they want us and never when we want them. You cant feel love and appreciate it in its entirety unless you take time to develop what is laid out in front of you. To love someone is to hold them close to your heart and to know what they mean in your life all the time. To feel that without their presence You would simply fade into the dark. To see that two can become one when the love is as it should be. The lives intertwine and become complete as one. They fill the "Space of Love" with interactions, conversations, intimacy, memories, in the end they fill their lives with each other and leave no doubt as to who they truly love and How it is defined in their lives. If you feel lonely and incomplete then perhaps we should look at our own lives and redefine our love and survival skills. Do we love to complete our lives or do we love to survive? Which definition fits you?

Beautiful Soul

A heart so full of love but questions its very movement. Do I love or do I lust! Do I climb in and lose myself or do I stand strong and hold my own. To love another is to share all that you are but how can you share what you do not completely know. What answers can be found in loving another, or in loving oneself. One day to see the smiling face and feel the touch that holds you and binds you to another. The pawing, scratching of affection that scares the one back into two. The separation of when they feel like the have reached a point of bliss. The love for one another that stretches for a life time. A true love that cannot be broken without shattering a heart. A long time of love and reminders that true love forms a beautiful soul. No one alone, no love without holding one another and feeling their very essence of being. Breath for me for I can not breath alone. Feel for me for I do not want to be alone. Love comes in many forms but the love of a lifetime comes easily with only tones of challenge, for if its meant to be, the struggles will be gentle and the future will be slowly opened.

Crazy Ones

Sometimes the world at a glance can seem so unpredictable and scary. Its like setting on a geyser waiting for it too gush. These are the crazy days! The days when you just don't want to get out of bed because you know that your world just doesn't feel quite right. Then there are days that life is just waiting to complete you. It tempts you into feeling the right path that you should be heading down.As you silently struggle, or not, to do as you are directed. Some days are just not about making decisions. They are more based on trying to just survive through the hours of the day. For some of us it may even be better to just put those legs back under the cover and close your eyes. Sleep and pray for all the beautiful dreams in the day. Tomorrow you will wake up, a new person but your happiness will depend on your outlook for the day. So, think good and be positive. Reach as high as you can to find what makes you happy!

Simple

I seem to have woke up wondering what the definition of simple really is.I can not think of anything that does not hold at least a little bit of complicity. I breath everyday before I get out of bed and I find myself saying a morning prayer reminding myself always that it could be worse and that GOD does hand down real blessings. It is not a figment of my imagination. I do linger for the simple life of when I had no worries and adults had the responsibility of where I laid my head. Well, life may not be simple but it is beautiful from the sunrise to the sunset. I soothe myself with the soft sounds of the life right off my back porch. I sometimes think that nature is the only sure thing in life. It is always there if you just slow down and partake. It is the soothing that cost you nothing but a will, a will to want to calm yourself. My mom always smiled when we were outside.She knew how to see right through me and get to the problems in life. I miss her and I miss that. Mom's are a special gift from God because he needed someone on earth to handle some of us 24/7. For most of us his gift of love. I saw a friend of mine break down yesterday. I know that she is going through a tough time in her life but she always portrays strength. I admire her totally. To see her get upset and cry made me realize that I too need to be strong but we all need to slow down because God never promised us tomorrow or even today as far as that goes. We all have up and downs. This is not new to any of us. The important part is how we handle our lives and the effect that we place on others. It may take our daily hello or just our smile that keeps some one in this world today. BE CAREFUL what you say and do. OUR footprints on others can either be a memory of love or of destruction. How is that for the thought of the day. Remember to tell someone Hello, You may be the only one who does!!!!!!!!!

Kim

Not so foolish

Isn't it crazy how some things happen in life and it barely effects you. Other things happen and for whatever reason they are life altering. I will not ever be the same again after the last few days. I am still the same person just a little wiser and a little more to myself. Pain is a life changing tool. Yesterday I was different. Today I am not complete or healed , that will take time, I am just a little smarter, more careful and not so foolish. Another lives lessons learned. Another heartbreak. I guess God choose for me to learn my lessons at a certain age. He sure continues to teach me about life, love and relationships. Who to trust and how to protect myself. I guess my life will always be about survival but the reasons and the emotions for the survival is what changes. There is a lot of love in life and that love is what binds me to the pleasures of this world.

Tomorrow will be better

Some people can say that they hear us, understand us, appreciate us but still never really feel who and what we are really about or even pay attention to how bad they hurt us. It doesn't matter what happened to me, Its more just the fact that My heart hurts because something that matters so greatly to me feels as thou who hurt me were saying "Just tell her, she will deal with it and get over it." How untrue the thought is. Sometimes I still get surprised by how insensitive people in this world can be. I realize that I am not perfect but I do my best to look at others and see what binds their souls to pain and what releases their inner self. I love those who hurt me or it would not hurt so much. The last few years has been about opening my eyes and seeing opportunities pass me by. There are days that I just cant believe the pain that we as humans endure. What is light weight to some is life altering to others. My tears need to continue to flow for now. I need to release the pain and misunderstanding that I feel. Just for today, I need to feel sad and to cry so that I can make sure that tomorrow I do not feel the same numbness. Life is not easy, especially today. I now it will get better. Survival is not an option it is a direction. But for today, let me cry. Let me hurt. Let me be to myself. Haven t I earned the right for just one day. I know tomorrow will be better.I guess God decided that he had to scream at me to get me to listen. Now, that thought brought more tears but a smile to my face. My mom would call that stubbornness and maybe a sign of the times changing ahead for me. Tomorrow will be better!!!!!!!!!

A state of mind

A state of mind, of friction , of ease. A way to believe in the world and in yourself. I sometimes think that everybody needs a good cleansing. To cry until you just cant cry anymore. It helps to regenerate the soul. I sometimes clear my mind and regenerate just believing that tomorrow I will be better but for now I am entitled to do as I please and yell and scream at the top of my lungs if that is what I feel that I need to do. The common soul is so fragile and sometimes we all can feel like we are coming apart at the seems. The reality is that everybody has stress in their lives and its probably Gods way of letting us all remember just how human and imperfect we truly are. There is always going to be someone around that makes us feel......mmmm not truly appreciated. They over look all the things that we do or how we feel. I have dedicated my life to what I do. In a sense it has become me. I am always ready (unfortunately) to take on one more task. At least until I get up the strength to say no more and demand something else of myself and the people around me. So until then I and others like me, need to learn to breath and really look at our state of mind. We need to see the people around us and what is important and what can wait. So,slow down, breath and make your state of mind an ease.

Take some time

A moment or two is all it takes to let someone know how much you love them and how important they are to you in your life. As the years come and go and once again I have found myself so busy with the struggles of my life that I often have forgotten to say to others how important they are to me. I want all of you who are reading this moment from my life to know that it is not a fluke that you have it before you. You have in some way or another touched my life and I am a better person because of that special touch! My mom blessed me with a little wisdom of knowing when to share my heart, or the footprints on my heart. She in my past and now with my father’s examples raised me to appreciate the people in my life who mold me whether that is good or bad. Every life that touches another has an effect on each other. I could tell you all the heartaches and the beautiful moments that I have experienced this last year but I want my footprint to be one that I ask you to pay forward. Touch someone else’s heart in this year to come! Tell your loved ones and the ones that you pass with only a smile that there is a little hope in this world. We have lost many beautiful souls in the last year. Some were voiceful and others where quietly listening in the backgrounds, but they all had a purpose in our lives and in the lives of others around us. Take time to share a moment of your life with someone who has a meaning in your life. Don’t just speak the words of caring and understanding. Feel them in your heart and remember that God plans our lives, not us! So, make good use of yours and don’t forget to say thank you and praise him for each and every moment of happiness and sometimes even the sorrow because it is the tough times that shape us in to the characters that we become. Don’t just set an example for those around you; lead by an example and give yourself some breathing room because God knows that we all make mistakes.Thank you for all of the footprints, I treasure every one of them!

Life

Life has a way of telling us if we are allowed to feel or hold what it has to offer us. I have not wrote in my journal for a while now and a lot has changed over that time period. The loves of my life are ever changing in my depth but the here and now of what the world holds for me is what is amazing to me. The old and new friends! The old and new lessons combining within each other. Wow, what a life and all it has too offer! You have to love life as if there was ever another choice!