Every Day, in Every Way

 

Time is suppose to be a Healer. A pain Reducer! A development in your life that over several repeating days into years, quiets our heartbeats. It is created to allow us growth in order to teach us not to hold such a pounding, body shaking, tears streaming effect on our very existence. Thirty-three years later and I can still cry a river on how much "I" miss my loved ones, especially my mom. If you are close to someone we learn that it is normal to always cry for what is absent in our lives. The making of new memories and the old memories clash. Why cant I have new ones, yet I know how lucky I am for experiencing the old. Each moment that I recall, I cry and then I rejoice. 

I do not write to be sad. I write to smile as a tear rolls down my cheek. So many memories! So many beautiful moments! The souls that I miss, they were one of a kind. No other can come close to how they affected me and directed my life. They gave me a purpose that at the time I did not understand. Now, I can see how they left their impressions on this world. Whether it be by their influence on a person, place or moment, they were unique and no other could have done as they did. That's what I want to remember! That's what I choose to remember and to carry on! 

Our moments of pain are not always about us. God never promised that we would be with the ones we love forever. He promised for a time, in which he determines their stay. When we feel pain, its hard to see clearly or to let anything, especially another emotional thought, in to our realm of common sense.

 Losing others is truly not always about us, no matter how close they are to us. Sometimes there are others who have lessons to learn and they need direction. "I" never knew where my mother and I separated because her and I where so much a like. She was my rock, my backbone, my true strength when all other was so out of my reach. She remains the wind beneath my wings, stabilizing me with all of her wisdom but I have found my beginning. I never needed to define us but now I understand the difference and the direction that I must go that my mother never could have traveled. I am blessed to have had an amazing teacher and to have been watched over by such a great woman. I miss so many of my loved ones EVERY DAY, however; I am thankful that in EVERY WAY of my life they each had an influence. 

Beautiful Soul

A heart so full of love but questions its very movement. Do I love or do I lust! Do I climb in and lose myself or do I stand strong and hold my own. To love another is to share all that you are but how can you share what you do not completely know. What answers can be found in loving another, or in loving oneself. One day to see the smiling face and feel the touch that holds you and binds you to another. The pawing, scratching of affection that scares the one back into two. The separation of when they feel like the have reached a point of bliss. The love for one another that stretches for a life time. A true love that cannot be broken without shattering a heart. A long time of love and reminders that true love forms a beautiful soul. No one alone, no love without holding one another and feeling their very essence of being. Breath for me for I can not breath alone. Feel for me for I do not want to be alone. Love comes in many forms but the love of a lifetime comes easily with only tones of challenge, for if its meant to be, the struggles will be gentle and the future will be slowly opened.

Vision

When you find yourself falling in love with someone you also find yourself wondering about every aspect of your life and theirs. If you are lucky enough to grow up together then for the most part you know how the other person may think and feel about different areas of life. When you don't have that luxury then your whole life turns upside down.So many times you can find your very essence hurting because you just cant seem to understand why they act the way they do. Should you be together more or apart more? How about time with friends and family? Should they be with you? How do you know to include them or exclude them? How do you know when you should be included or excluded? Why the Hell is this dating and falling in love thing so hard? It shouldn't be! Love is suppose to be easy and something that makes your heart over fill with so much happiness. You smile when being reminded of them. Your heart skips a beat just to hear their name but then why does it sometimes become such a mess so easily? If there is so much joy in loving someone then where does the pain and confusion come from. Why can one person get so bent out of shape simply because sometimes things don't go the way they wanted and they feel hurt. They feel hurt because there is no handbook on how to understand someone else's vision! It is a learning process that one has to endure in order to love another. Every one is different and that's the way we are suppose to be. However, when you love someone you have to be patient and get to know their differences and their likenesses to your own. If you truly love someone then you have to learn to accept them for everything about them not just the parts we love or can tolerate. We have to understand that all of us have bad and good days and that's what makes us a whole person. For some of us its getting to know the others way of thinking. How much space do they need to themselves? How much of me can they handle at any given time? How much of me loving them can they take before I scare them and make them feel smothered or the opposite and they back off because they think I don't love them at all? Love may be a beautiful thing but it can easily destroy a relationship because of lack of communication and the desire to make something work. People are just as different as one house to the next is. From the paint jobs, the material used to build them and the years of wear and tear. Family who raise each of us are different from their cultures as a whole to what we eat, what we watch on television, read, listen to on the radio or even how we communicate. Its these differences and the way we tolerate them or learn to use them to adapt in the world around us that makes us learn to and learn how to love another person. Our vision is different one from the other and its our visions of how we see loving someone special in our lives that determines if we can compromise with the one that we fall in love with. Life is not always easy when we are in love. Its just usually more fulfilled and manageable because a true love becomes a single love shared by two not held by just one!

Her husband, her partner, her friend

A day full of questions, no answer close by to give. I wonder if true love exists or if its a fairytale of make believe and wishes filled of hope. I saw innocent love today. Innocent, unangered, unaware of anything but the hunger to be with the one they loved. Then I saw love tired and wore out. Love that had peaked and still lingered for each other but so many hurtful words have hide the truth of how deeply they feel. In disguise the love from a far while fighting in close range and looking for a way to say I truly am sorry and will love you whole and completely my whole life. She runs for her sanity. He runs for cover up of mistakes that he knows he cant correct that have cost him a lifetime with out his soul mate to endure. I saw yet another love that she continues to suffer as he hurts her and puts her down. She excuses him but you can see that she no longer excepts that he does these things because he was raised this way. He learned what he lived in. She longs for what she has always dreamed of. Love is not a savior on a white horse that completes your every sexual fantasy and orgasm multiplied. Love is honor and respect. It is holding ones heart when you know that without the other person your soul will shatter. Its completing each other but not smothering the individuals desires. Its about loving unconditional and trusting whole heartily. Having a lifetime companion to share your laughter, your dreams and every piece of sorrow with tears in their eyes as they hold us weeping. Its about knowing that you would give your life for this person without being asked the question. I saw a final comment of love tonight that made me smile into the night. She said she missed him. They have been together sharing a life of love, challenge and destiny. He loves her and it is unconditionally. He cares for her and they guide each other together always. They miss each other after all these years. He completes her I know its true because as an individual he lets her stand strong. She may be on her own but she is never alone! He is the strong silent type that stands beside her waiting and watching until she looks his way and without a word he will remain her husband, her partner, her friend. A true paring of love for eternity