Life in General

Life holds so many ups and downs. Sometimes we wonder what is happening in our lives and other times we just cry and hold on knowing that this to shall pass. I wish I had the answers but I do not know how it all goes together. Even I have days of wonderment and I just have to ride them out. I have spent the last four days in Minnesota and most of it I have been sick with my sinus and feeling panicky because I am sick away from home. I guess it has placed me in that category of I know this to shall pass but I still get pissed off because I cant enjoy myself because I feel so miserable inside and out! Again, I know this too shall pass but it makes me come off being such a wimpy person and I am a strong woman. The only thing about that is that I feel stronger when I am at home and not sick. Life has a lot of twists and turns that we have to go through in order to find out where we are actually suppose to fit. What is our purpose in life becomes a whole different perspective. God blesses us with ups to give us hope and with downs to make us stronger. Sometimes I just find myself shaking my head and wondering why I got up that particular morning. Then there are other days that I am so blessed and thankful for each new face that encounter. My trip has been stressful, both personnally and professionally in contact. I enjoy life but I sometimes feel stunted in growth because I find myself respecting others to much. I deny what I know in order to make them feel important and not sound like such a know it all. I also give in and try to pick my battles wisely when all I really want to do is fight and say you know what, I want to be in control for just a little while. Life can be fun and wonderful and insightful but it can also be a struggle. Life in general, is beautiful but always full of choices and some of those choices just dont seem to fair but then again nobody said life was fair.

And Today

Today holds what tomorrows bring to us as hope. I am unsure that the world knows what is right and wrong but it supplies us with plenty of options. If we can take some time to read what the world says in each day as we interact with the life around us. Hunt for what is meant to be not what we mean for it to be! Smile and honor the stranger who becomes the friend!

Where did I go?

They tell me that life is about living and I have grown to see and experience that everything in this world happens for a reason. Even those things that we do not understand. My question for myself and for God is, what has the last four years meant for my life. I have spent the last four years of my life with a man that made me struggle almost every day for each breath that I took. I have felt my sanity slipping away piece by piece. I lost myself some where in the hormones and fairmones and all the attractions that you think make you want somebody. Did I love him, yes I did! Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him but I also lost myself to him. I became dependent emotionally on him for things that I did not even realize and it is going to take me a while to come out of the fog. As I found with searching for my soul mate earlier this year, you can love someone and know that you can never spend the rest of your life with them. You can just feel that they are or become part of what trouble your soul, your very essence of your living. I can cry and feel pain right now that I know will go away but for now if feels as if it over whelms all that I am. Without him I would have missed baby girl coming into this world and I may never have felt the love in my heart that I thought no longer existed. I was lonely when he came around and he used that to move on in and mold me as to what he wanted and to give some, not all, empty promises to believe in. So, he did love me and shape me and I did allow him to have his way. I reached a point in my life where I realized that I was lost inside myself and I was slipping further and further away from where I wanted to be. I was lost and lonely again but not for a warm body. I needed a companion who saw me and not what they wanted to see or what they wanted to try and mold me into. I needed support and words and listening and little daily things that said I am here for you. With social workers who really believe in helping others your heart is always helping. He knew that from the beginning and he said he treasured it but he tried to suffocate it from my body. A home has to be the place where you can regroup and find yourself instead I found myself more frustrated and frayed when I went home then when I was at work. It became as if there was no quite for me. There was no peace and tranquility to keep me together as me! I am not saying that there were no good times because there were but they were spaced out over the last few years and I have found myself struggling to stay alive from all the pressure. I became someone else that I did not know or like! I have been struggling to break free but because he gave me life again after being alone for so many years he made me feel like if I let him go i would never feel love again. Even though I have known for a while that I have been sinking and losing the ones that do love me because of his actions and mine to tell him to leave. Life is about making your own decisions and for me, he sucked my ability to have confidence in what ever decisions i was trying to make. He questioned me and made me believe that I could not do anything without him to guide me and help me. With some of my struggling medical problems I struggled to believe other wise. What if I got sick and needed help? What if I was all alone and no one checked on me? What if I was all alone and lost and no one could get to me? This last comment, once I thought about it, was already true!......... I was already alone and lost and no one could get through my tough skull that I was sinking and me, I, myself was disappearing. How the hell did it happen........................?I am still struggling to break free and I probably am going to have trouble for a while but I have to stay away from him. I don't know what caused me to let it go so long or drag me down so low and it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I have to remember to have faith in my and who and what I am!!!!! This to shall pass............. I know it will. The pain will ease and the sun will rise and set tomorrow but I only have one me and I need to stop worrying about where I went and give myself credit for where I am going. I have been practicing and working it out in my mind for a while now about where I was as a person again. I cant blame him for everything. He is and was a wonderful person but him and I can not function together and I knew it close to the beginning but I am the one who chose to let it go on. I have only me to blame for now swimming back to the light and for not seeing clearly what I needed to do. For a while I need to stay out of relationships and realize that I can take care of me!..... With God in my corner I will survive and become stronger! I wasn't made perfect for a reason! I just have to accept this as a fact and don't expect myself to be on top all the time. I am not suppose to be!!!! Its OK to be human.................................................

Friends

Friends are what make the world go around. Tonight I danced my night away and the exercise was wonderful but its the women in the class that makes the whole package so special. Tonight I simply say, (Thank you ladies, and gentleman) for all of the fun we have in Zumba class. I not only look forward to the dance and the losing the weight, I look forward to the wonderful people and the socialization. Good night all!

My Beautiful Footprints

We all have footprints on our heart that are meant to create and shape us into who we are. As I get ready to turn 43 this coming Sunday I find myself reviewing all those footprints on my heart that have carried me to the path that I am on. I have so many beautiful footprints that I have to say thank you to some of you. Without you in my life and the effects of your special touches I would be hollow inside. So..... lets talk. In no special order, because you all hold a place that no other can hold, I want to remind you of our special times:
I remember as you left school to be with the man you loved and to have a life together for your son that was on the way. You were so young and yet I found myself jealous because you were starting your life without me. You have survived through so much love and pain in your life. You were given responsibility beyond what you should have had to endure, but at least you have not been alone. I remember dancing in your front room to My Sharona and all of us girls trying to fit on your bed in the hot summer to take in the fan. You gave your son the middle name I wanted mine to have and now days I thank you for that save. I love you so much and you are so talented and such a beautiful person. You were the one of us that could go without makeup when we were kids and we would all look at you with frustration because you would repeatedly tell us that soap and water kept your face clear. You were and still are a beautiful woman that has a heart of gold and you carry the same name as our other friend. She was a country girl who drove that car all over Salem and never got stopped until the day she turned sixteen. She loved and lost and was always the beautiful blond that all of the boys were crazy about. She was in my wedding and flaunted herself so beautifully at her man. I remember her and I living together briefly as she was pregnant with her son. Over the years we always found each other again. She was discovering men in her life and the main man was her son who won her heart. She struggled through life, love, hurt, loss and pain and still survived all odds and found a way to rebuild her life. Mistrust put us at a distance but she and I both knew that we loved each other and nothing could change what we had already experienced together. We all make and have made mistakes but friends love and find a way to bridge past the differences. I love her still and we have shared many adult years due to us both being single for a lot of our lives. We will always have St. Elmo and the memories of that world to hold us in her sons family. The music of his dad continues to sing on even today. Another beautiful one i remember clear as day being in that old house and listening to Jesse's Girl. You were absolutely so beautiful then inside and out and you still are today. I almost did not get the chance to tell you how special you are to me and how much I love and miss you. You hold your daughter so close and the grand baby you share with our first friends we never even thought of your children creating such a beautiful little girl. A special girl to turn all of your worlds into her own putty. You were my one friend who taught me about being and looking beautiful on the outside. You struggled with me and almost lost your touch when a knife swiftly and stupidly cut you by mistake. I have forever regretted you having to go through that moment along with a few others that you endured. Know that you always hold that special place of teaching me about perfection and how it is not a bad thing is someone life. It can actually be quite beautiful. Oh,...... my beautiful, beautiful friend who we all felt her heart to be so soft and loving towards everyone. She was a missing peace of our hearts when she disappeared out of our lives for so many years. She was lost, and some how one of us found her. You know who you are and when you were found it was Gods answer to our prayers and yours. You were so lonely and scared and tired of going on by yourself. Your sweet and attentive beautiful ways. I remember us trying to hide in the snow that year as we had passed our curfew and the officer was there catching us. He told us to go home and we all went straight home. He must of laughed at us for hours after seeing us run like wildfire and our bodies hiding in that white snow. I have to laugh now just to think about it. We are all so blessed to have you back and I love you more than words can ever say. My other friend you and I share, well actually we all have had her in our lives. Her and I use to share clothes and she would spend weeks at a time with me at my house. Her brothers were always in and out of our lives and I have kept one close to me for almost four years now. We all have memories with them good and bad. My memories with her are funny and loving. A summer of swimming and riding bikes and developing the twenty inchers and the death angels. We were finding out together about love and her purple rain man become her husband. Over time she remains the wild child and we have to love her because we cant ever and don't ever want to think of us without her in our lives. She is the one that is so young looking and keeps the young red head at her side. She has the daughter that I always wanted and she was kind enough to let me share the birth and growth of her first grand baby, baby Girl! I thank you for that blessing in my life and I have enjoyed sharing that precious time with you. Another friend of mine has found her home in Texas but lived with me and shared my room and mother for such a long time. I mysteriously do not remember a lot of jealous over my mothers love just over her talent for writing. We spent a minimum of five years plus not speaking because of a man that I stupidly brought into my life. I thought I had lost you and thanks to Gods blessings we found each other again. My favorite time was sharing my room with you and loving you as my sister. Know that you are unique to my clan and no one can ever take your place and that's a compliment not a mistake! Another footprint that came my way was a blond young girl that I looked after and we experienced a touching moment with her brother lost to this world. We have yelled and screamed at each other for young mistakes that she made but she often could find herself lost. I will forever remember the hickeys on your neck the night you came back to me with the fiance and how upset I was but again he crossed the line and I had to be the better person for I was being so mislead. I still love her and forgive her. She formed me and now I know not where she is but I will still keep her in my heart. One of the friends that taught me about life and singing, playing guitar and lock ins at churches I will never forget you. You were so talented back then and the talent is even greater today not just for your skills but for bringing glory to God in the right places. One of our favorite pastimes was you playing highway to heaven and me accompanying you with the singing. You are the one who gave me my favorite song that I now share with my son and shared with my mother, play it at my funeral for Amazing Grace is what all of my friends have blessed me with. I am thankful for all of the love. I will love you all like my sisters forever. I have been blessed to have known all of you and to have had your footprints on my heart and soul. LYLASA.................................... You all know what this means. I do have one more friend that if she ever shows up and you ladies meet her, she topped off what you all would have done. I met her in college and her name was Phyllis. She kept our love and passion for life alive. For my 21st birthday she took me to a strip club (Demorox)..... and she had kept you all in mind, except for you Bec.(sorry) she saved money back for me and she bought me a few drinks and added a few dollars to the star on stage who guess what, looked just like Jeff. You all know who I mean. I had the time of my life and she kept me safe. Long story short..... I got saw that night and when the lights came on my name was called from the back of the room. I never forgot that lesson of pay attention to what you are doing as an adult because somebody is always watching. I love you all and thank you for being my friends. I will cherish this memories all of the rest of my life. Each of you and your beautiful footprints created me bit by bit! Thank you for your many blessings!

The Touch

I heard it rustle and felt it brush against my skin. So gentle, so fresh, so soft upon my face. It settles me and keeps me alive. I look forward to the days where I can sit and breath so deep. I can feel so real and know that it carries the sounds of those I love. It twitters and shivers as the birds voices are so loud and clear. The smells of the day, of the things that I love. No color but yet it reveals who they are. It tells us all we need to survive. It touches us in a way that no other can. It holds us tightly and leaves an impression for life. The wind holds us close with a breeze that is all its own and never the same twice.

Her husband, her partner, her friend

A day full of questions, no answer close by to give. I wonder if true love exists or if its a fairytale of make believe and wishes filled of hope. I saw innocent love today. Innocent, unangered, unaware of anything but the hunger to be with the one they loved. Then I saw love tired and wore out. Love that had peaked and still lingered for each other but so many hurtful words have hide the truth of how deeply they feel. In disguise the love from a far while fighting in close range and looking for a way to say I truly am sorry and will love you whole and completely my whole life. She runs for her sanity. He runs for cover up of mistakes that he knows he cant correct that have cost him a lifetime with out his soul mate to endure. I saw yet another love that she continues to suffer as he hurts her and puts her down. She excuses him but you can see that she no longer excepts that he does these things because he was raised this way. He learned what he lived in. She longs for what she has always dreamed of. Love is not a savior on a white horse that completes your every sexual fantasy and orgasm multiplied. Love is honor and respect. It is holding ones heart when you know that without the other person your soul will shatter. Its completing each other but not smothering the individuals desires. Its about loving unconditional and trusting whole heartily. Having a lifetime companion to share your laughter, your dreams and every piece of sorrow with tears in their eyes as they hold us weeping. Its about knowing that you would give your life for this person without being asked the question. I saw a final comment of love tonight that made me smile into the night. She said she missed him. They have been together sharing a life of love, challenge and destiny. He loves her and it is unconditionally. He cares for her and they guide each other together always. They miss each other after all these years. He completes her I know its true because as an individual he lets her stand strong. She may be on her own but she is never alone! He is the strong silent type that stands beside her waiting and watching until she looks his way and without a word he will remain her husband, her partner, her friend. A true paring of love for eternity