Mistakes and Faith Of a Mustard Seed

 

I was never created to be perfect. How boring that would be. So many different sides of me. So much life going so many different ways through the years. 

When I was young, I saw firsthand what it was like to help others. My parents might not always have had what they wanted, but we always had what we needed and then some to share when others were without. My dad ran his own mechanic shop and my mom, well, let's just say that many thought she was a born Social Worker. She never had a degree, but she knew what people needed and had a way of making sure that they were taken care of. My dad was made from the same cloth. He was tough but his heart was always looking out for someone. He was always active and in the middle of helping whoever needed him at the time. I quickly grew to have a respect for my parents as caregivers. I once met a family who had been traveling and they had car trouble along the way. I can remember how attentive my family was to their needs. They may have entered our home as strangers, but they left as friends. 

As I grew older, I saw many family members and friends move in and out of our lives. Some lived with us, some visited while others were our neighbors. We all had a common bond and we all stayed close to each other, especially when times were hard. Our family was definitely defined by more than just blood. My mom was one of eight brother and sisters. My dad was one of six. They both had lived a hard life, but they knew what love was and what sacrifice meant.  

Next door to us was the man that my dad looked up to and completely respected. He was my great grandpa and in his earlier years my dad had lived with him and my great grandma. They both showed him about how to do Gods biding. I have never heard my dad define it that way but with all the lives that dad touched and changed, it was Gods biding. Dad would just say that you should always help your neighbor. Now don't get me wrong. From what I understand my dad challenged my Grandpa Burkett, but dad's mom was ornery, so I believe that he was prepared for dad. I think he probably even looked forward to my dad's orneriness.  I would sometimes stay with Grandpa Burkett, and he would feed me ritz crackers and tell me about God and actually show me the pictures in the bible.  So, I guess I started learning early about giving to others. Now that I think about it, I had some pretty good teachers. Thankfully, they thought it was important for me to learn about God and about how his strength and grace gave so many the faith and hope they needed to see them through whatever hard times came their way. 

As I got older, I discovered a lot of things about people. Sometimes my lessons were good and heartwarming. On other occasions my heart or another's, would be saddened and feel like it had been stomped on repeatedly. I was fortunate because I had someone to turn too in order to jump start me again. God became my stabilizer and with the faith and hope that he supplied to me, I had learned to depend on God's grace. I eventually became that Social Worker that my mom portrayed, but I found myself always wanting to give more and more. 

In my own challenges and in those of others, I found that when you live life to the fullest you sometimes can find yourself being knocked down again and again. People are the most loving creatures, but they also can be the most critical. All people, no matter who we are, need love and understanding or it creates a hole of emptiness. There are not easy answers when dealing with pain whether it's our own or another's. This is why there are so many reasons as to why God has given all of us free will. We may not understand why some of us have more trouble than others in our lives, but you need to respect them as you want them to respect you. We need to realize that we are not walking in their shoes, so we do not know the power of what has happened to them or they to us.  

Learning to fall is how we learn to forgive. How can you learn humility and how to be humble without seeing or feeling it for yourself? How can you learn to appreciate what is God given every day if you do not take the time to look? Our challenges and our growths go together. No one is perfect and all of us are born to fall, to learn and to grow over and over. We are not the ones who are allowed to judge. No matter the crime, the event or the loss of others, we are not to judge. We are no better than the next. 

Sometimes it's a hard lesson but eventually we get it. We learn that our lives are already set in motion and everything, every person or event molds and makes changes in multiple people's lives. It's not always about us as an individual or what we believe is right or wrong. Recovering from our mistakes takes time and is part of life. When u believe in God and you practice having the faith of a mustard seed, the littlest of all seeds, you can hope again and believe that he will bring you through your roughest times. When you believe that God already knows every one of your deepest darkest secrets and yet he still wants to be in your life, beside you day in and day out! Then you can raise your head and begin to heal like you are supposed to. Let him carry you to where you need to be.  Change, Growth, and Development, anything and everything is possible with God. Just believe and let him do the rest. 

Every Day, in Every Way

 

Time is suppose to be a Healer. A pain Reducer! A development in your life that over several repeating days into years, quiets our heartbeats. It is created to allow us growth in order to teach us not to hold such a pounding, body shaking, tears streaming effect on our very existence. Thirty-three years later and I can still cry a river on how much "I" miss my loved ones, especially my mom. If you are close to someone we learn that it is normal to always cry for what is absent in our lives. The making of new memories and the old memories clash. Why cant I have new ones, yet I know how lucky I am for experiencing the old. Each moment that I recall, I cry and then I rejoice. 

I do not write to be sad. I write to smile as a tear rolls down my cheek. So many memories! So many beautiful moments! The souls that I miss, they were one of a kind. No other can come close to how they affected me and directed my life. They gave me a purpose that at the time I did not understand. Now, I can see how they left their impressions on this world. Whether it be by their influence on a person, place or moment, they were unique and no other could have done as they did. That's what I want to remember! That's what I choose to remember and to carry on! 

Our moments of pain are not always about us. God never promised that we would be with the ones we love forever. He promised for a time, in which he determines their stay. When we feel pain, its hard to see clearly or to let anything, especially another emotional thought, in to our realm of common sense.

 Losing others is truly not always about us, no matter how close they are to us. Sometimes there are others who have lessons to learn and they need direction. "I" never knew where my mother and I separated because her and I where so much a like. She was my rock, my backbone, my true strength when all other was so out of my reach. She remains the wind beneath my wings, stabilizing me with all of her wisdom but I have found my beginning. I never needed to define us but now I understand the difference and the direction that I must go that my mother never could have traveled. I am blessed to have had an amazing teacher and to have been watched over by such a great woman. I miss so many of my loved ones EVERY DAY, however; I am thankful that in EVERY WAY of my life they each had an influence. 

What Does Tomorrow Bring

When we raise our heads first thing in the morning, we instantly begin to think about how our day will go. We feel the dread or the excitement for what is yet to come. It mind sets the tone for how our day will be dealt with. If our thoughts are strong then we can direct our minds to look for what we want to find. If others around us are the strong ones then they can easily direct our way. 

When we start to question life and our daily decisions then we start to find out who we really are. In life we begin to discover what it is that we want and what it is going to take of ourselves to get there. If we determine the direction we want to go then it makes it easier for us to obtain what we want. If you visualize the package that you are striving for then you can determine the steps to get there. 

So, if its a mind set then what other factors need to be considered in order to get what you are after? Thinking about the necessary steps is the first thing needed in order to put a plan together, however, you also need to list some rules and lines not to cross. We have to determine how to reach for what we want while always remembering to have the human touch first. Other people matter just as much as we do and along our Journey we have lessons to learn and lessons to share. This is where the rules and boundaries come in. 

Its ok to want things in life and to set goals but its not ok to hurt people along the way to obtaining your goals and desires. Karma is real and believe it or not, Karma will set you straight when you least expect it. So, don't do things to others that you know you don't  want done to you. There are no gray areas! You do know the difference between right and wrong! Use that common sense! If you mess up, we all do sometimes, admit it and be the bigger person. Move forward, learn from it and grow! No Journey is flawless or easy. So don't expect it to be!

Everyone's Journey is different. Their steps are put together differently and we need to respect others and their decisions. We are all not made the same. Think about how boring this world would be if we were. We may not agree with everyone in  our lives but that's what makes us individuals. See the examples of life around you and learn from them. Look for a little happiness and get rid of the word perfection. No one is perfect and it just puts way to much stress and pressure on us. Learn to live and direct your life and not let it take over you! 

So when deciding what tomorrow holds for you, remember to set your mind on a positive path! Stay focused taking each step at a time. Stay true to yourself but don't create excuses when you do wrong. You need to be the example setter and pay forward what is given your way. It is true that it takes a village to raise a child. Be part of that raising and in turn, only God knows how far you may go!

 

How Could I Not!

 As I set on the bus I could hear quiet chatter all around me. It had been a long day and my friend and I were headed home from a day trip in St. Charles Missouri. She began talking to me about life in general and asking about the family and friends that we both deeply cared about. When we got to the update on our jobs, she lowered her voice and very shyly said, "How can you do the job that you do?" I just smiled, looked at her and said, "How could I not!" She had a puzzled look on her face so I instantly began to feel the need to explain myself and so, our conversation began. 

She was already aware of the fact that I was an Advocate for children, but as we began our discussion, I soon realized that she really did not know what I did. I started explaining how children in this world do not always have a say in what happens in their lives. They are most often loved, but because of their desire to be loved, and wanted, they can also easily be persuaded to do as others want them to in order to stay in their good graces. To be accepted by someone you love is such a deep, heartfelt need. A child can quickly find themselves in dangerous situations when they are trying to please others. Feelings of being helpless, being worthless and even being unlovable can slip into their minds. 

An Advocate, no matter what profession they are from, or what age of the person they are advocating for, that Advocate, is at times, a lifeline. We are there when the rest of the world steps out. Advocates are the ones who give confirmation in stating that we see them, they are not alone. We show them acceptance for who they are while giving them connections to others, who if they choose to make the connections, these people could possibly change their lives forever. The positive or negative changes lie with the person that we are advocating for. Their growth and change in direction is about having someone to first recognize that they exist. About, people acknowledging that someone cares and believes in them. 

Most often those who are being advocated for have been lost and are lonely. They feel that there is never going to be a light at the end of the tunnel for them, until they meet that one person. That one Advocate that reminds them of how important they are and of the plans for their future that have yet to be developed. It doesn't matter if the Advocate is a Teacher, a Social Worker, an Officer, a Counselor or the neighbor next door. No matter how old or young a person is, we all need an Advocate on our side. 

As I wiped a tear from  my check,  I simply said to my friend, "How could I not be an Advocate"? Not every day is a positive day but, everyday is a day full of possibility. As an Advocate, we always want to do our best to be present for who needs us. The thing  about being an Advocate though, is that somedays, the ones we thought we were helping, end up being our inspiration. Everyone, needs someone!

As I saw my friend wipe a tear from her face it occurred to me that the chattering on the bus had stopped. I thought I was sharing my explanation with my friend, alone. It turns out, we had an audience and several of them had developed a case of the sniffles. 

Power, the Influence of a Parent

As I read over others words, I couldn’t help but smile. It all made me think of when my son was little and how often he would wake me up in the middle of the night. How many times I would wake up to find him in bed beside me or in the floor curled up with a pillow and a cover. I even remembered the knocks at my door only to find my daughter calling out my name or touching my shoulder to wake me up. Whether the wake-up call was in tears, with a smile or just one for safety, it was all important to them and in turn to us as well.

A child is so tender and its true that parents have a kind of power that can make or break them. Reality confirms that you don’t actually know how you will influence your children. If your too strict will it make them go wild. If your too lenient will it invite nothing but trouble into their lives. Sometimes it the most horrible parents that create a child who becomes the most amazing parent ever, all because they swear never to be like there parents were to them.

The story I was reading told of someone who saw how much influence they had on their children and perhaps, they realized how important their job was as a parent. They saw the fear and the beauty in what they did and said and the responsibility as well. 

There is no true book that is right or wrong, good or bad as to how to raise a child. It is always, almost true that what we think they will remember as the most important thing from our time together turns out to be the farthest from their favorite memory.

I loved seeing the insight into another parents’ thoughts on their children. It helps us all to see another view and to know that we are not alone.  Too often in today’s world we see and hear more about parents and less about what children need from us and how they learn from what they see us say and do. The “Me” Generation does not always do our children any favors. Children cannot learn respect for themselves and others unless they see and hear it in their lives.

Mean words and accusations do not grow a strong self-esteem. Blaming someone for wrong they have done and repeatedly bringing up a person’s downfalls is not a way to help them grow and become independent. I always told my son that it was his behavior that I did not like, but behaviors have nothing to do with me loving him. Loving a child is constant, liking what he/she does fluctuates in life but that’s how we all learn, is from our mistakes. Its up to us as parents to help them process their rights and wrongs and guide them in being better people then even we are. Doesn’t mean they should rule our roost just that they deserve to be heard and respected.

But Wasn't He

In the Distance I could hear the roar of my phone. It became louder and louder as the voices in the room began to disappear. There was only one reason they would be calling. It had to be because of him. I immediately had a fear come over me. This time, may just be the last time.

As I called her back my fears were confirmed. As we traveled to the Hospital the tears rolled down my face. So many memories began to run through my mind. My teenage years babysitting. So many nights spent with the three siblings.  So many blessings that I found myself treasuring each one of them.

As we entered the Hospital, I feared the worst. I couldn't see anything but the pain in my heart. There was no room for any other thoughts. As  I neared the doorway, my heart felt as if it dropped and I began to cry. I couldn't understand! What, why was all this happening?

A heavy heart began to ease and I found myself breathing again. It was him and he wasn't gasping as I had feared. He was talking, very strong and loudly. I could hear him outside the door. I was in awe.

As we entered the room it was proof that the voice I heard was his. He sat on the bed, stretched out, hooked up to machines with his bible in his hand.  Of the 38 years that I had watched him grow, I had never saw him through the same eyes that I saw him through on this day.

He was a man of God and on this day he was a Teacher of what God had to say. We spent hours together that day. His voice was so powerful, believable and carried hope with each word spoken. It was easy to look beyond the breathing machines. It was as if he had a story to get out before he left this world and God was on his side. He mesmerized us all!

As he and I talked later, we discussed where God was that day. I smiled and told him, "He was in the room with you!" He then asked me why I thought that. As I slowly processed what he was asking me, a big smile came over my face. "But wasn't He? Kyle's body was starting to reject his lungs but God in all his glory found a way to let Kyle be a faithful servant that day. He preached all about God's word to so many different people who walked into that room. He was ready to go home. Even after all he had been through during his lifetime, he was still so excited at the thought of seeing God. Kyle would say, "If I lead only one person to God, then my work is done!" He inspired many, including me!

Kyle James Harwell
   August 6, 1980 to March 3, 2019

MOMS LESSONS

It’s been an empowering weekend full of discoveries and emotions. The weekend started with time being spent with friends who share my faith. It lead into a second day of inspiration, hard work and recognition of important moments in my life. This week being the 29^th anniversary of my mom’s passing, it is always a time of reminiscing.  One of the ladies demanded that we think about the times in our lives where we approached a life changing interaction. An interaction that forever created a different path on this road we travel called a Journey.

My earliest memory I can think of was when my dad owned his own mechanics shop in Kinmundy. I was maybe in the second or third grade and there was a family that their car had broken down. I remember that day that we had a few extra mouths to feed. After that day, I seem to see my parents in a bit of a different light. When my mom and dad separated I continued to see my mom and her giving soul. I always said she was a Social Worker without a degree and the very reason why I decided to become one.

Over my teenage years, I was a bit of a handful, too say the least. My mom never gave up on trying to teach me lessons with each new mistake that I would make. She would always tell me that she wasn’t perfect but try to stop and think what she would do if she had the same problem that I was facing. In fact, she just wanted me to stop and think before I foolishly made my decisions. Back then I could be quite impulsive. I think it was just part of me and having attention deficit disorder.

I survived my childhood years. Between God and mom, somehow, I came out ornery, but I flourished. The same year I turned eighteen I graduated with honors, got married and had my son. Some say that eighteen is to young, but God blessed me. It wasn’t too many years later that we found out I couldn’t have any more kids. God had a plan and that little boy kept me on the straight and narrow and focused. He was just as ornery as I had once been.

Over time I had my share of wrongs and rights, ups and downs and with mom’s guidance and wisdom that she made me search for, I became a Social Worker with a degree. I found times of struggle and times of miracles but in the end,  I always found my way back to God and mom.

Mom’s come in all shapes and sizes, some blood and others not. Some teach with a loving hand while others teach by showing us things that we swear we will never expose our kids too. We learn and grow and develop into the people we are molded to be. Thank heavens none of our moms are perfect. As kids we also need to see that its ok to be human and mess up. It makes us learn to appreciate life more.

Morale of my story, I miss my mom daily, but her love and her wisdom are part of me in every path I walk down. I make my own choices in this life and I suffer my own consequences however; my moms voice and warm embrace will always guide me towards my tomorrows. I am thankful for every moment that I saw my mom reach out to others to help them. She taught me the value of giving and caring for others. As the years continue to pass I want to keep in mind what another friend told me this weekend. If she is remembered by just one person for helping someone then she has lead a fulfilling and meaningful life. My mother’s life was full of helping others, as is my friend’s life. Their legacies will live on as being known as such. So, a special thank you going out to my mother today! Thank you for making me think about more in this world than just myself! For showing me how to be true to what makes the world a better place and for remembering that Gods got a plan. I may not like everything that happens in my life but if I have any faith at all, God will take care of the rest. I only pray that my Legacy will be an inkling of my mothers. Stay true to what you know in your heart is right. The rest will come your way a step at a time. You just have to have Faith and believe. Thank you, mom, For teaching me to BELIEVE!

CAROLYN OWENS BARBEE FISHER HOFFMAN; June 26, 1947-1989

 

MISSED BY ALL WHO KNEW YOU!